a bowl of mixed words

the cold breeze running through the edge of the door, the smell of fresh brewed coffee and a soothing piece of music with a hand full of people sitting around only add up to that open wound of mine, the feeling by which you may experience the extremes of a crazy life style…..looking around and seeing couples expressing feelings or arguing to each other….friends gossiping non stop….individuals grabbing a cup of sweet drink to fill the lonely feeling….a mixture of coffee bean smell, different perfumes and occasionally the smell of damp….me sitting in my corner, staring at my pile of papers…touching my coffee mug, sniffing over the coffee steam and trying to focus my mind….trying to gather the bits and pieces of me,,,, a tiny wind blow through the door and my memory pieces are gone all over the place….sitting in silence…thinking and thinking and over thinking until I start seeing little stars randomly going round and round….a mixture of feelings soaked in aged wine of sadness….an unexplainable sense of boredom and hopelessness along with a strong desire to shout….

it is me as usual, throwing random words to random lines, expressing a mixture of confusion and tireless….

a moment in which I want to stand up in front of the entire universe and say the forbidden words….forget the meaning of rationalism and embrace the glimpse of sudden decisions based on unexpected joys……

drown in the ocean of uncertainty and floating in the depth of ambitious sky…… 

Those fragile moments

There are moments when you create a destiny or create a life not sure whether you can ever destroy a moment I’m pretty sure about the creation… Those moments the fine line between the reality and a fairytale becomes fainter than a hazy morning… Sometimes you may feel a cold breeze passing through your spinal cord shivering backbones and then a new episode starts you may have built your future based on a spark or have come up to a ground breaking for your future but what is definite is that something new is born, something that no words can describe it and at the same moment a new star rises and generously lights up the sky in which you can fly high enough to fulfill your dreams… So don’t waste or lose such moments they’re fragile… Infinite and spontaneous … Capture them…..

Haphazard

Call me a psychopath! I need a medication which could possibly brain wash me….let go of all my worries and stresses…I need a pair of eyes and a pair of ears that would really see me and listen to me…hear what I am saying and feel all my fears…It is getting harder and harder, the more I try to adjust myself to this so-called new era the less I succeed…People around me are just robots, very few human fellows are left… my eyes are seeking human kind and I find them nowhere….Men and Women have become preprogrammed robots, having no aim but to let down each other, a competition called equality which represents nothing but a spoiled joke! IF there is equality already existing in your minds then why are you desperately trying to color yourself and shimmer yourself in glitters to grab men counterparts?! and you guys, if you really appreciate simplicity and pure beauty along with honesty then why are you that much concerned about your own desires? I feel SICK! Sick of the commercialism, this materialistic world and shallow minded robots passing by….I wish you could stop your crazy daily life and take a deep breath, stare at yourself in the mirror and find the left over traces of a true mankind in yourself…only if all of us could stop for a moment and reconsider ourselves

A messed up generation…..An explosion of sensual passions filled with crazy out of control behavior which is mislabled as LOVE! What is love??! Who defined love as an utterly physical attraction?! then what is it called when a blind falls in love?! They do not experience the physical connection in the first place…I will not talk more about this concept, the more it is dissected the more cliché it will sound….

But it is a pity….a total failure for us who call ourselves humans to act like a hybrid of  animals and robots…..we attack each other with cruelty that even animals do not react like that and we are so empty hearted that we have misunderstood LOVE and PASSION, even HATRED or FEAR….

I wish I could whisper one thing in everybody’s ears› : please hold on for a moment and say HI to yourself again,,,,

Morals are so devastated…so ruined in a way that no one believe in WHO we really are…..take another look…the reality is not so far…..still hanging around for a little more while…….

my whispers to LIARS….

Following signs, finding a new way to express feelings, this is getting harder and harder…

The colder the weather, the icier people’s eyes become…exchanging a fake smile…FAKE….I wish I could say it right into the face of liars and pretenders,,,hey you may show a «friendly face» towards me but your dark heart with your lies can not cover up your eyes…you may keep your eyes down when you lie because there is nothing WORSE than staring into my eyes and being that «cool» and lie…and stop pretending…Oh dear! where our lives are heading to? this was supposed to be a life filled with flowers and the sunshine….it was supposed to be all honesty and the warmth…

and now we are all like boats going nowhere and lost in the middle of a stormy ocean….

BUT remember that….you may lie as much as you want however you are never the real winner because I truly believe there is a day that you get caught….. and I will sit in silence watch the sun rise while you will get drown in the ocean of your pathetic thoughts….

nostalgia and craziness

Feeling cold is not about the mercury level in the glass tube…It can happen in the middle of a hot and sweaty summer day…Having a couple of hours with myself…just me and me a private date….a sweet walk along the Thames….with frozen cheeks but a heart boiling in the memories of the long gone childhood…Listening to the crunchy sounds made by my boots pressuring the snow underneath my footsteps…inhaling the freezing air….exhaling the burning feelings…. secretly drawing my name on the misty dirty glass window of the subway, opening my eyes as wide as possible to record every moment of this special feeling….I felt so connected with myself….I walked into the quietness and peace…I was between all the past memories for a while…I felt no cold, it was all the warmth and peace of their infinite quietness….I walked into the forbidden path of the death….the fine line between the crazy busy life and the humble limitless moments of being departed….I felt it, I felt that my skin was ruptured by that pine tree spikes next to the cold heartless stones….I felt and feel all the world streaming in my heart….

TRUE or FALSE

Human nature always surprises me, no wonder I chose to do Biology…no wonder….It is always filled with mysterious moments and clear facts that may look illusive in the next second or so…. even the angle of a tulip stem in the vase may sound very ordinary but is consist of endless regulations of networks, cells, molecular functions and processes which may blow one’s mind….It is amazing how I, you, others and the entire world may follow a vague unrealistic dream, something which is written in books, as a set rule but we never know until we engage an activity or feel the real moment, at that very certain moment things might change…To make it more tangible…. I have always had a dream, a dream by which I had been living in a long-term WISH…I fought for my dream, I worked hard and finally I earned the dream….I did it! I could achieve a long-term dream of mine BUT….yes there is a BUT existing here with capital letters….BUT it did not bring any happiness or extreme joy to me! so all my literal knowledge was failed….I was disappointed…deeply sorry for myself…but it did not last long…I actually realized something priceless,,,I figured myself out…I got a better overview of myself…I realized that not until the day we achieve a goal we will realize how important that dream is to us or how fake it is….a deep happiness or shallow lust….Life is full of surprises…..So now I am happy…I have learned a new ME….and I know that not everyone is the same so whatever is in the media or we study in books can not be applicable to the entire mankind,….Sometimes it is worth closing your book and focusing on you, yourself more and trying to investigate yourself…and on the top of them all…EACH of us is a WHOLE WORLD…..we are just perfect and complete without any addition….so….Don’t grab on other’s hands…keep your fists tight and strong but spread your love all over the world…..sprinkle your smile over anyone and anything your seem and remember that

MY SMILE IS THE ONLY CONTAGIOUS DISEASE THAT I HAPPILY SPREAD EVERYWHERE I GO!

این رو یه نفر در ایمیل برام فرستاده بود، متأسفانه رفرنس نداره وگرنه میذاشتم از کجاست….

یه بابایی خواست بره مسافرت،یه دختر مجردی هم داشت با خودش گفت دخترم رو میبرم نزد امین مردم شهر و میرم مسافرت و برمیگردم.دخترشو برد پیش شیخ و ماجرا را براش توضیح داد و شیخ هم قبول کرد و رفت.شب شد و دختر دید شیخ بستر دختر و بغل بستر خودش آماده کرد و خواست که بخوابد،دختر با زحمت تونست از دست شیخ فرار کند،هوا خیلی سرد بود،دختر بعد از فرار هیچ لباس گرمی بر تن نداشت،توی راه دید که یه جمع دور آتیش جمع شدند و دارند مشروب میخورند و مست کردند،با خودش گفت اون شیخ بود می خواست باهام اون کارو بکنه]اینا که مست هستند جای خود دارند.یکی از مست ها دختر و دید و به دوستاش گفت که سرتون به کار خودتون باشه،توی این صحبت ها دختر از شدت خستگی و سرما از حال میره و میافته.یکی از مست ها میره دختر و بغل میکنه و میاره بغل آتیش تا گرم شه،یه کم بعد که دختر بهوش میاد میبینه که سالم و گرم هست و اونا دارند کار خودشونو میکنه،اونجا بود که میگه یه پیک هم واسه من بریز و میخوره و این شعر رو میگه :
از قضا روزی اگر حاکم این شهر شدم
خون صد شیخ به یک مست فدا خواهم کرد
ترک تسبیح و دعا خواهم کرد
وسط کعبه دو میخانه بنا خواهم کرد
تا نگویندکه مستان ز خدا بی خبرند!

lonely planet

Again it is my soul which is being wrapped in an enormous cover of fears….where has all the strength gone? All the greatness of being the only one standing on the top of the highest mountain in the world? Why do I again feel like the furthest planet in the milky way? Why do I just see sparkles which fade away in a glance and I am again left behind in the silence and the dark….the darkness is the true killer….It comes all of a sudden and grasps into the neck…keeps pressuring until this lonely planet loses the last straw for staying alive…it is the tastiest bittersweet I have ever experienced…all and all it is destroying every bit of my soul, confused in the pool of different thoughts I desperately reach for the only branch of a tree which is in my horizon….a nighty knight , an undiscovered kingdom of thoughts just stand upon my thoughts….Good old days of childhood quickly pass by…like a movie in the fast forward mode I see me growing tall 2-3-4-5 years old and I am standing tall…years pass as if they worth a second of all….me left in the depth of my thoughts….the lonely branch of the tree…me …the kingdom of thoughts….swinging memories….candles lightening up my fears….confusions…ellusions and for once I whisper the secret thought….as if the entire universe stands by…like blinking under the water…like trying to talk to an avalanche…miraculously the last planet in the milky way…the furthest of all is shifted back to the solar system….

The laziness of a long day with a bit of nausia…the feeling of being hang over after many shots of thoughts….the blissing feeling after ignoring a sharply frozen eye to eye contact….

And finally that is me…the one who writes with no start and finishes with no “the end” sign….it is me and my universe which drives me far far from all…. all in one part……

my infinite childhood thoughts

With no shoes on I sneaked out of my life…like that little kid inside me who always drives me to act insane once again I followed my thoughts.. indulged into my deepest dreams and started running….I can feel my heart beating too fast, it is like it will fall out any second or so…I am running….in the wind….opposite everyone else’s direction…I am running non-stop and trying to grasp oxygen to breathe…and all of a sudden I feel like floating….have I just died? No, I am still alive…am I floating on the river? Am I flying in the sky? Where am I? Or is it simply the pool of my feelings? My deepest fears and secret wishes? I am confused by my nature…I am a natural-born hero of my own life…I have a mission to live this life to the highest peak… you have a mission to destroy me or to join me in my mission, if you decide to help me through my mission I make sure I will be side by side with you to help you reach your goals yet still you may count me as a total fool….

Yes I may look like a little child, I may have eyes of little child, I may have the smile of my 5-year-old memory but inside my heart I have lived million lives, I know when you say goodbye it is just a word that you say and you may not even realize that each word of your can build me a castle of life or hit me harder than a whirlpool of dust….

Trust your heart and cross your heart…believe in the moment of life when you look into my eyes, trust your own eyes, trust my eyes, they never lie… I may fake my smile but my eyes never mislead you or I… I am still running in the endless streets of confusion and I am a total lost…

I set my eyes on the candles…burning but they are proud of giving the light, they burn, they suffer but give light…bring a smile onto people’s eyes…I am that candle in the wind which struggles to stand still and not be affected by the cold gusts…I am the one that never bends on the knees, never lies to achieve anything….

I am still running, now breathless and covered in sweat, with the curls hanging around my face, hair is covering my face and I can hear myself breathe…

I feel I am giving away the feeling of me…I am finally losing the battle to the darkness…no take me away, take me away from all the cruelty and unhappiness, I am just a kid…take me back to my childhood, take me to the page when I was shedding tears over that rose thorn which had poked my little toe…take me away…take my breath away….I no longer belong to this world of grown ups….just let me live the life of a child…with bare feet and a half melted chocolate in my hands…with a face covered in chocolate syrup and chocolatey brown teeth, and that naughty sparkle in the eyes… take me away life! Please, let me live the way I was…I never belong to this world and you know it way better than I!

Oh dear darkness of the night…my guardian of all times…I am so proud of being in love with you…you wrap me up warm in your hands and every touch of your finger tips gives me the sensation of infinite love…the love that I never believed in …oh dear guardian of all nights you are my knight of endless happiness and warmth….oh dear silence of all times…sink me….sink me for the very first and last time in the ocean of deepest thoughts…..oh the silence of all times….kiss me once and kill me soft….kiss me like we never have kissed the smile….

I have stopped running and now I am drowning softly in the ocean of the most passionate silent moments of my entire life….the feeling of being a child….free and innocent… I am drowning softly and gently……..

snowflake and the sparkle

It is snowing and I have a secret wish, I want a wishing well to whisper my thoughts…It is snowing and the snowflakes are melting on my cheeks, I am burning with no fire… I catch a snowflake and I kiss it goodbye, I want to keep my snowflake in my thoughts, I dreamed about the snowflake which fell in love with a sparkle in the fire place,,,,

It all started in a cold and dark night… it was snowing hard outside but inside the house was a cosy fire place shining and bragging about its warmth… among the snowflakes that randomly kept hitting onto the window was one which looked different from the rest of its fellows…others were just thinking of floating on the ground and melting on the grass while this one was hoping for a miracle to happen…. and then was a solo observer in the house with the eyes sewed to the fire sparkles, it was as she was a part of the fire place…with red cheeks and the reflection of the fire on her eyes…. and that was the moment when she turned the eye balls towards the window to let the magic of the night happen to her and to the snowflake…out of no where her eyes met the snowflake which was horrified of melting down before the miracle comes true….

she glanced, it was not more than 2 seconds or so but she met the snowflake and she felt the cold and the heat meeting at some point…. she lost the focus and without thinking for a moment rushed towards the window and opened it up…. it was not more than 5 seconds in total…she grabbed the snowflake on the tip of her fingers…looked at it closer and kissed it with all passion…

it was the moment when the snowflake felt relieved….the miracle had just happened and it was set free…. now the only trace of it was the water droplet on the girl’s hand and she was still watching it with eyes wide open…yet still the sparkling eyes were killer enough to make the droplet vanish in no time….

she felt the breeze…closed the window…wiped her hand with a piece of cloth and returned to her seat to carry on watching the burning woods in the fire place but she could feel that her life was not the same as before anymore….there was a change… As if the snowflake had made gone through her skin cells and made its way to the heart…yet still she was claiming that she has no heart…

It was a near Christmas night….there was a girl sitting by the fire place watching the flames….it was snowing so hard…it was a snowy night…a very casual random night…it was the night when a girl finally realized that even a snowflake can have a dream of fire sparkles…

it was a night…..