upsiDE doWN

Twisted in thoughts and blurred in heart are perfect descriptions for me these days, not being welcome in both sides, like strangling from an old rotten metal rope while underneath is a deep valley with a fast running river and above is hidden in fog….. I never liked going down, as a personal opinion it is too risky to go deep into the ocean, I don’t like it, it’s dark, mysterious and full of  animals which bite just like our societies nowadays….while travelling to the space is a whole new experience, it’s high, white and bright and it can be full of nothing……not exactly reflecting my personal thoughts but I’d rather hang onto the rotten rope and make a move towards the foggy part rather than letting go of the rope and diving into the wild dark water….. while strangling and struggling for my life, I have a flashback of my life….I haven’t lived for too long but I can confirm that I’ve had enough of fakes, liars and unfaithful people…please leave me alone…..please don’t FAKE being my friends….please stop the scenario and stop fooling me….I see your eyes and I see the reactions once I turn my head…..It is not the best feeling to be trapped in a room where poisonous air is pumped into it every second however they call it fresh air……Don’t try to sugar coat the reality….I’d rather see the harsh moments and be proud of my own honesty…..

I have had enough of shallow opinions, stop being selfish and spread happiness and love….is it too much to be a MAN and HUMAN? Man as a man! not as the gender male! we are all MANKIND, we all come from the same source no matter what race we come from… confess the real YOU and live a happy life without fooling yourself and me…..I dream of the day when nobody lets themselves to judge me over my looks and sees me as the person who I really am…..I dream of the day when a friend is someone who I can turn into when I desperately need a hand to pass a fragile bridge…I dream of  the day when someone asks me out without having in mind of uniting with me before uniting with my soul….

I dream a lot and I think a lot about all of these all…….If this is too much then surely I am born on the wrong planet………I truly ask to be taken to where I really belong to…and if you see any signs of improvement in us as MANKIND then enlighten me before I utterly lose my hope in them all…show me a sign even if it is a glimpse of a little silver coin at the depth of a secret river in the heart of a forbidden woods….. 

یک نفر گم شده

گاهی وقتها دلم می‌خواد اینقدر قوی بودم که وقتی‌ به آینه نگاه می‌کنم محکم و با اقتدار بگم: این من نیستم….گاهی وقتها این احساس گم شده بودن و سردرگم بودن انقدر زیاد می‌شه که خیال می‌کنم فرقی‌ با یه گلولهٔ کاموایی ندارم! و اطرافیانم مثل گربه‌هایی‌ حریص به این کلاف سردرگم دامن میزنند، خودخواه و بی‌احساس فقط از هرطرف کشیده میشوم و انگار صدایم از زیر آب به گوش هیچکس نمیرسد
انگار اطرافیانم با چشم‌های شیشه‌ای خیره به افق مه‌ گرفته غریبانه مینگرند و انگار من خون می‌گریم و قطره قطره گم میشوم در انتهای ابدییت سکوت تلخ این زندگی‌ تکراری، یا شاید هم به سان معتادی در ترک کسی‌ رگم‌هایم را با چاقویی کند نشانه رفته و من از درد به خود می‌پیچم…..غریبانه مینگرم به دنیایی که سالها پیش با هزاران امید به آن پا نهادم…غریبانه و همچون موجودی با هوییتی کاملا عجیب…هرگز فراموش نخواهم کرد احساس تلخ و زهر آلودی که غربت را در میان آشنایان و غربت محض را در غربت آموختم…..لبخند بزن دوست من…لبخند بزن چرا که تنها این لبخند نشانی‌ از من دارد…..دیگر به این بیگانه در آینه سودابه نخواهم گفت…..سودابه قصّه من سال‌هاست که گم شده، آخرین نامه‌هایم به او با خط پستچی ناامیدی به دستم رسید که حکایت از بی‌ پاسخی بود….
دوستی‌ را من در داستان‌های کودکی شناختم اما همه می‌خندند…..فانتزی زندگی‌ من انگار یک کمپانی فیلمسازی غربی بود…..انگار من جایی‌ میان کارتونهای کودکانه‌ام گم شدم….تو را نمی‌بخشم آقای والت دیزنی! تو من را با دنیایی آشنا کردی که در آن زندگی‌ نمیکنم! دوباره می‌پرسم، مرا کجا رها کردی؟؟؟! میان کدام فانتزی اشک و لبخند؟ همیشه زشت صورت و زشت سیرت بازنده بود چرا در این دنیایی که من آواره می‌چرخم زشت سیرتها فرمان روا هستند؟!

دلم بسیار تنگ شده….دلم برای سودابه‌ای که گردی صورتش به پهنای لبخند بود تنگ شده…دلم برای چشم‌های پر عشق تنگ شده، من این تصویر مونتاژ شده با لبخند پلاستیکی و چشم‌های پر راز نمیخواهم!
من سال‌هاست که عادت کردم به دیدن چشمان متعجب، افرادی که باور نمیکنند در پس این لبخند موجودی پنهان شده سخت نیازمند به شناخته شدن و تو دوست من، توی که دم از مهر و وفا میزنی‌ هرگز به خودت زحمت نمیدهی دستهایم را در دستت بگیری و بپرسی‌: تو خوب هستی‌؟ تا من اشک شورم را با نفسی عمیق فرو برام و بگویم: آری اما تو باور نکن….تو باور نکن که من همواره میخندم، تو دستم را بگیر و از این همه سطحی نگری و کوتاه اندیشی‌ قرن دورم کن…تو همراهم باش و به من بیاموز فانتزی‌های کودکی ریشه عمیق در قلب همهٔ ما دارند گرچه همه غرق در تکرار روزمرّگی و سبک اندیشی‌ و حرص و هوس زمانه شدیم

bits and pieces of mine

What every little pain leaves in us is incredibly powerful, the little guilt of not knowing how to deal with stressful situations, the moment when you open your eyes and you can count many years of happiness, sadness and sorrow… the moment when you recall at least 20 years of memories, sweet and bitter blended into a hard shell of artificial wisdom and spiced with wrinkles developing on the forehead…it is a big lie to say the pain is gone….it will stay forever, it will always throw an arrow to your heart to remind you that without a pain there would never be any gain….

& it is the worst pain when you open your eyes to see how life has tricked you to focus on things which may never convey true happiness, when you realize that you’ve been running around, working days and night to fulfil a long term dream, to achieve goals and to seek PEACE however you were looking at the wrong dimension….you should have focused inside yourself rather than outside….you should have found  LOVE, the ability to live your life in a sense of spreading and seasoning the entire universe with true love….not only the love between two people but also to love even that little fluff of cloud passing by in the sky….If you dress up to stand up against difficulties you better have a gun filled with SMILE and LOVE….I am taught to live my life by love although life has stabbed me hard everytime I try to capture a moment of true passion yet I have SMILED… everytime I have been tricked by my life, I am told to stand strong, I am told to keep my head up…So in the merciful moment of miraculous and mysterious company of nature and I, where nature becomes my true passion and I kiss every little petal of spring blossoms I can proudly call myself a part of this universe….You, me and even that grumpy never-smiling neighbor of mine we are all a part of this galaxy that without us definitely the universe will lose its balance and harmony…so please SMILE….look into my eyes in depth….let my eyes meet the darkness of your eyes, and let the universe bring us together no matter it will not last any longer than a moment of blinking eyes…. let my smile meet up with the sun and let me grab your hands and take you where we really belong to…..trust in me so as I do trust in you….be the creator of your life rather than a weak follower of others› broken hearts….

let your heart beat out of the chest, watch my dying heart beating harder than ever outside the cage of my chest, see the fresh blood pumping out into the soil and see the discoloration of  earth caused by my blood…… let me LOVE without any limitation, let me be who I am, and let me fill any gaps made by tear drops sinking into your heart…….Trust in the love that may have lost its meaning….LOVE just like a child, unconditional and light, sweet and pink….like an extremely huge portion of cotton candy…..let the love drown you like a sinking ship into the depth of a mysterious warm feeling…… my childish explanations may sound too shallow but you may get scared of the depth of this highly dark centered path towards my heart…..so see me as that little girl with a face covered in sticky cotton candy and sticky hands who runs in the wind and under the sun….who loves even that wild piece of her on the forehead….who sticks the wild hair by a piece of pink cotton candy to the forehead….who never cares what may others say….who laughs from the depth of her throat and whose eyes sparkle with LOVE…… that little girl who secretly loves the little crazy boy in the kindergarten who always messes with her curls, the boy who makes fun of her little steps and calls her sassy and spoiled…she has such a big heart that she falls for him….

this is how I have constructed my life and I am still so proud of living for a quarter of a century in the body of that little curly haired girl, with all the same feelings and thoughts…..with the same heart which falls……..

The mysterious serendipity

In a world filled with face-masked people, walking dead ones and lie as a charm I tend to keep up with my smiley face… I try hard not to let go of my «childish» happiness and kids resembling behaviors… In a world where no true love and trust exist I manage to practice loving and caring to the max along with trusting in people who I deeply love. I learned to love when I started reading outside my school books but I never learned to love regardless of being loved back. I went to the best loving-school with the greatest teacher of all times namely my mom. But it was not until a while back when I realized I could love no matter of being loved back. I started spreading that feeling, opened my heart and with endless honesty I confessed… I tend to care and to share my feeling so that I could hold on that awesome feeling o mine…. I started to trust not in the entire universe but in the ones who really worth my love and trust… So my life started becoming more and more colorful and bright… Once you let go of something it becomes much easier to see whether it was meant to be yours or not and that’s where you can define your destiny…destiny is the word which brings mixed feelings to me…. And I rather be surprised with my life’s happenings than knowing my next chapters but I secretly wish for a super sweet fairy-tale happening to me

My little one(on board notes!)

I am writing to you, to my little one the one whose existence is tightly tied to me, the one whose breaths make me awake and little snores are like a sweet symphony to my ears…. Hi my dear one, how are you hanging on there? How many times you fell and I had to pick up your pieces? How many times cheats could destroy you? How many times over the last year people treated you like little piece of crystal and they watched you falling apart? How many times they easily threw you under the fast express train of their immediate lust and stared at you tearing apart? Hi my little one and only who’s crying in silence of nights and smile in the day light? How are you the real SOUDI ? How are you my loneliest one who never complains but cries inside ? Can I heal your wounds ever in my life? Can I talk to you face to face without any fear of people watching us? Do you think there is anybody left on this planet worth punching another sharp broken glass into your heart? Do you think you and I are the aliens mistakenly brought to the planet earth?
Oh my sweet little one don’t cry, you are my heart and by each pump you bleed blood rather than transferring it to my body parts… Oh the dear one , talk to me for this very last moment of my entire life, let me teach you and I how to live this life , no matter how hard it may look like , you and I… We are the true loves… If I practice this very immediate love story I may be able to lay the wings of my trusts on the human race again…. Pity such a pity I’ve lost all my trust in humans, betrays an cruelties have made a tough shield around us , the only way to get back to spreading love is to love you limitless and expand expand expand till I break that mistrusted shield…. Let me fly or dive ,… Just let me set us freeeeeeeeeeee

Am I that grown up kid

Today I woke up to a new chapter of my life….I felt like someone was watching me asleep…in the beginning I was scared but then decided to open my eyes and face whatever was standing before my eyes and what I saw?! it was me! yes I was seeing myself!!!!!!!!! the one who I ignore most out of the entire universe,,,,I was standing before my own eyes ! however it seemed to be smaller than my actual body! maybe because it was kinda hiding itself! yes I refer to myself as «it» because it looked liked another creature to me! or a stranger?! eyes filled crystal clear tears and lips bitten by teeth…I wanted to started a conversation but felt it would be too awkward to talk to myself although it was not entirely me!

I saw myself pointing at me, I knew….there was no need to exchange words….I knew,,,,it was about all the ignorance and harm I’ve been forcing myself to go through….working harder than I should……respecting people that I shouldn’t……even forgiving the ones who never deserve it……putting myself under a lot of pressure to make others happy but don’t giving myself a little bit of time to rest or enjoy life…I knew it will happen sooner or later…..but I had some good news,,,,,,I tried to approach the little kid of my soul…the one who I abandoned when I was 5….the one whose smile I’m still carrying after 20 years, it’s like carrying a baby for 20 years….and I’ve been hiding this baby behind a corpse for 20 years…..I’ve been ignoring the beauty of a childish life for ever….however, this little child in me has been distracting me for a life’s time…never let me become a proper grown up which I never regret though…. people, society, technology and this gray,gloomy everyday life want the walking corpse or what I call it the robot out of me, but I want to be that playful kid with clumsy feet running in the fields….so I delivered the robot to the society and let the foolish ego-centric people to believe that I’m finally what they were trying to get out of me…so I offered them the corpse,,,,,and I kept the kid! I kept it and raised it as a kid! however, drowning in the ocean of repetitive daily schedules I utterly forgot that this kid also need nourishment and I should provide it with happiness and joy to help her survive,,,,,BUT the frustration, the cruelty and the EGO  hand in hand made me forget about me…..so I jumped out of my bed….hugged me, kissed the little kid’s forehead and looked into the eyes,,,,,deep and dark, yes, I won’t forget you again….just let me show all the love and passion I can offer to you, let me play the music of life, of love and care for you…it is all about living in the moment, just like a kid….and I am that kid in the body of a so-called grown up! so I proudly share my little secret with you because growing a little secret inside me gives me butterflies in my stomach so I have to share it….yes I can never grow up! I am a kid and I am so proud of it! I do happy dancing when I hear joyful news, I run around like crazy when I’m hyper, I cry passionately and laugh even with more passion,,,I fall in love like a nuts person, I follow no rules however I follow my morals…I forgive as easy as a waterfall however I never forget just like a fossil stone,,,,,I am the little kid inside this so-called grown up body, smash me, hit me with your words, think that you could fool me but after all it’s me sitting with naughty and playful eyes watching you and giggling! because I’m just a baby girl! 

dedication to YOU

Once upon a time there was a tiny little girl just like every other fellows of hers she was running around care free and almost careless, thinking that eating lunch would be the hardest part of her life or the afternoon nap….once upon a time this little fellow opened her eyes and was face to face with a cruel world, a world in which all of her sweet memories started fading away just like bubbles being popped by wind force in the air….poor little girlie was terrified and exhausted however there was an angel who whispered these words to her ears: you’re gonna be safe…I won’t let anyone or anything scratch your little sweet soul….and this little girl closed her eyes and fell asleep thinking about her angelic guardian…..the angel suffered a lot ,trying to protect the little girl from all demons and devilish acts….the angel taught the little girlie how to stand up for her rights, how to fight back however the angel had become very weak and sensitive….the little girl had grown taller,she could now fairly realize what was happening around her, she was 8….she stood up, looked around and took a trip to the eye of the devil…a gloomy castle built on the top of the forbidden mountain and she raised her voice…put her red chair underneath her feet, tried to look very serious and shouted: I am going to protect her from now on….I will make sure she won’t be hurt by anyone or anything from now on…just the way the angel had promised the little girlie many years before that day….

and the little girl of our story grew older and older and she was eventually a grown up….there were times when the angel was tired so the little girlie was scared….any loud noise may scare her off but little by little all the fright replaced by a very deep sense of respect….love and true passion…now the yesterday little girl can proudly say: this is my angel, she saved me through the hardest, heaviest storms of life and made me WHO I am today…..so my sweetest angel in my life, my love of life, my one and only reason for hanging on in this life, my true passion, my true friend, my beloved and my faithful lover….what can I do for you in return? only if I could turn into fine dust underneath your steps…only if I could show you how much I respect,appreciate and adore all you have done for me? yes my angel….my MOM…