Long alley and the darkness, panting and loud exhales… There is no spot to hide… sweat palms and a terrified face… The smell in the air reminds of broken dignity and the more time passes the confusion escalates… The truth is that one has nothing to do with any of these yet, one gets lost in the ocean of thoughts…. Running in the bushes, thorns and pebbles… Sweaty palms, frozen tears and salty lips…. I woke up from the dream and yet I could not open my eyes… My eye lids were sewn together, I was scared of the reality and the unknown, I was trying to find a way to open my eyes yet there was no sound coming out of my throat, feeling dazzled I tried to reach out and I felt stone cold walls. My hands fell down and I burst into an empty cry… I was talking but I couldn’t hear myself. There were memories passing by my neurons and making sparkly short cuts… My sweaty palms were sticking to the stone wall and I was building up courage to shut open my eyes… Eye lids tore apart and blood stream stated like spring water flow… Tears, blood and hallucinations… Memories started gazing at me… My throat was dry, I couldn’t cough.. I was trapped, inside me, for 31 years… I was scared and the fear was more painful than the reality… I saw small black dots forming in front of my eyes… I suddenly reached the cliff… waves were rumbling under my sight… I had to face the demons of my own past… I wanted to say one word, one sentence but I was too fearsome… I could not battle my own fear, how could I help others? hiding behind my plastic smile, was a zombie corpse… with frozen tears… with torn apart eye lids… I had to let go…. I looked at the bottom of the valley… high cliff, wind swirls and I let go… I let go…. I jumped….like a spring and to that point I opened my eyes… sweaty palms… I had lost the thin line between the reality and the dream…. I reached for some water…. my sweaty dream was approaching and I just needed a sip… I looked into the glass of water and saw myself dancing in the water… was that me or the reflection of the belittled me? who knows….. The jeopardy was yet to come….
On a hot summer day, there came the little water droplet, she was excited, felt tickles of coolness around her. she was playing on a fresh green leaf. There were so many morning dews. All of them loud, fearless and happy. The little one was called Sparkle heart. sparkle heart was so glittery, she was cute and she looked sharp. Other dews were jumping around and one by one either jumping into the lake or soil. She wasn’t sure where to go, until some old swamp drops paid attention to her:
-hey little fella who are you?
-Hi! I am Sparkle heart, I am new here, and you are?
-Oh cut that polite crap! we are all water! no difference, stop naming yourself. Come over here, it is more fun!
-But I am supposed to water the roots….
-Nah! there are plenty others, you come join us.
Little dew was scared, she wasn’t sure where to jump… They kept pressing… just jump, we catch you! She closed her little eyes and jumped… midway she heard them laughing that she is gonna fall right on the cow dungs… Sparkle heart open her eyes and screamed, the wind heard her… Coming your way my little one…. hang in there… a gentle blow of the wind and she fell right in the hands of a small leaf… Oh hello there you sparkle heart…. Sparkle heart looked at the leaf with rosy cheeks and she realized that at last she was safe….
It’s been a while, since the last time that I had your loving hands stroking my hair… those loving hands, those seasoned hands… I miss your warm hugs, I miss your constant chatters… I miss everything about you and I have been begging to see you like before.
I hate growing up, it sucks! Take me back to my innocent years, take me to the time I was a small child running around, making you play hide and seek with me… I miss you so much… My grandma, you taught me how to spell my name, you showed me as if it is a piece of drawing, you bought me my first ice cream, secretly. You cooked me pasta, like nobody else. Even my mom’s meals were not tasting the same, because you cooked just the way I liked it… The last time that you cooked for me,,,, I never forget, I was vegetarian and you had made me stuffed chicken and had grilled me kebob. I ate them both because I didn’t want you to know that. I felt how tired you are yet I didn’t know it would be the last time we actually see each other. When I was kissing you goodbye you told me: “this is the last time we meet”. Something broke inside me…something detached, detangled and was lost… I felt a part of my heart was dragged into a dark hole and that whirlpool of emotions just blocked my throat… I left…. I followed my dreams, you stayed and counted the days for me…. I see you are still there, waiting for me maybe in our dreams we meet… Every night I wish to see you… to hold you and for you to hole me just like old days and to sing me songs, to tell me stories of the strong little girl. Grandma, mamanjoon, I am 31, but for you I want to be the same 3 year old baby girl, I want your loving hands more than ever… Please hold me and tell me that this world is just a big fat lie and that I am always the little girl who is always happy….
I miss you… please hear me, please fell me and please meet me tonight in our dreams…. I beg you….
your little grand daughter, Soudabeh
When I was a kid, my dream was to become somebody. I was hoping to reach the peak of fame through science. I worked hard, initially to make my mom happy and to become a famous kid but what happened was that I was labeled the nerdy one, the geeky boring kid. I had very few friends and even less close friends. I started to enjoy studying for the sake of it in order to achieve my goals. I became a focused little kid. Entered university with a good score and studied my dream topic. Eventually like many others as a mandatory continuation of studies I ended up abroad. Battling homesickness and cultural shocks, I fulfilled another task and managed to do my doctorate degree. However more and more I was detached from me and I was becoming somebody else. This somebody else was not the happiest. I was mainly left to deal with my griefs. I started a career that I thought would be my dream come true and I then hit the cold block of desperation. Losing my hope and occasionally my faith. I was worried and terrified as I could no longer focus. Nothing got me happy and most was saddening. I saw my dream going into a POOF! done, gone! Life and its hurdles killed the little sapling of hope and desire inside me and I became the empty shell for my physical body. Today, I am sitting here and wondering where in the path I made the wrong turn? To end up in the swamp of my lost dreams? Where did I start to do things out of routine rather than desire? When did I forget to enjoy my work instead finding it a burden? Sometimes I am disgusted by my own smiley face because truth is that inside it is as empty as a balloon.
Little joys of life, were once keeping me alive. In the world of all cruelty and negativity. I could be captured by the beauty of a water drop in the morning, roaming on fresh leaves of a rose bush. I could keep my head up by gazing into the sun and I could stay calm and happy for a lifetime. Yet everyday that passes I realize a bitter fact, that regardless of my babyface, regardless of my young spirit I no longer can be really happy inside. When I first realized that I could feel the death coming I was shocked I could not believe myself. I was in tears and I was hopeless. For a moment I was thinking this would be an end and what a boring, lame and pointless end. Yet I look around and tried to look at it from a better point of view, just a little bit further from my own scope. Perhaps more into the fact that this will help me be nicer to the people around me. I can spend more time with them and try to make them happy! Regardless of all of my bruises from several whips of life, I stood up and like always adjusted my happy face mask. That was the way to go and it is the way to go!
I have been living my life at the edge for the eternity, I feel I can remember the day the mother earth was born, that day me, was named the unnamed particle, with all its beauty and nothingness. I was a poof, a dust, I was nothing but I was everything… I was a part of a lost star, a lost hope and I was becoming something. With a strong will I managed to become something, it was better than the nothingness. When I saw myself in the smooth downstream river bank, I was shocked, with trembling molecules I jumped into the riverbank just to become a part of the motion…. millions and millions of years later I was an apple tree somewhere in Europe or Asia? we never named the tectonic plates… the whole thing was a united piece! I was tired, the yearly apple product was too heavy for my shoulder so I lost my conscious just to open my eyes to my animal life… I was a butterfly, free soul yet was hunted soon after the April showers! I opened my eyes to see that I was a chosen one… I was a beating heart, a human embryo, I was a little fetus, a baby girl! I was born into a hopeful small family, I was supposed to bring all the happiness, fast forward…. I was growing up and had to pave my way through broken pieces… Walking at the edge, I was panicked, this was not what I had planned for! I was a piece of the lost star, hello? anyone? people had stonefaces and I was rushing through the doors to become someone, too fast that I forgot who I was!
Now sitting after all those running years, I could not remember even one moment of my star life… instead I was fading away in the world of humans, which I had never planned to star for too long…. Hey my destiny star… where are you taking me next?
Hello, this is today-me, I would like you to know few things about me. The year which I passed either 2016 or the 1395 ( Persian) was filled with several bitter and sharp pieces of broken glass that hurt me to the bones, I was hurt, bleeding and I at some point lost the light at the end of the tunnel. Dear tomorrow me, I just want you to know one thing, no matter how many times I lost the path, no matter how many times I doubted me, doubted you, I just know that there was always an invisible hand taking me back to the right path. Dear tomorrow-me, we have never met, we will though meet tomorrow, we have a date, at 10:28:40 tomorrow morning, it may not be the way I imagined our first date but I would like you to know that I am happy you are coming. You will take away the darkness, the lost hope and you will replace it with the spring blossoms. Dear tomorrow me, please take this small piece of advice, never look back, stay focused on the path and keep kicking till you reach the end of the darkness, on the right alley there will be a blossom waiting for you, giving you all the good news and will wipe away your tears from yesterday.
Dear tomorrow-me, I always imagined our first visit to be magical and I am sure we will make it magical despite the fact that it will be in a far away land, with not even one creature speaking of our language, dear tomorrow, please don’t cry, don’t count yourself lonely because tonight I am thinking about you, please have a smiley face for me.
Dear tomorrow-me, it will be the moment of the new year’s, when we hug our family, our beloved ones but don’t cry, you won’t be hugged or kissed on the forehead by your grandpa or grandma…. You have to be strong because you are one hell of a person.
Dear tomorrow-me, please accept my one and only wish, be strong, smile and remember that no matter far or close your heartbeat is tied with your beloved ones….
You destroy me, with every word, with every step I feel I am being more and more detached from being me… I have lived and have been living a life of a broken arrow, I have felt alone and I have felt loved, yet still you manage to make me feel worthless, I still cannot look into the mirror and feel accomplished, I was told that I am a high achiever yet still I feel fairly under achieved. I feel useless and worthless whenever I see how you ignore me…. I am like a minion and you deal with me like an object,,,, I feel worthless when I see this attitude and I didn’t come here to experiences any of these….
Humanity versus inhumanity…
My mother raised me to care for one another… My grandpa passed away trying to teach me: regardless of race, age and sex we are HUMANS and that we are born from the same… Grandpa is gone and mother lives far away so in nights like tonight I sit in the corner of my room, with my knees in my chest and I just want to go back, to being a child, an innocent naive one… The one who thought everyone is the same, we might look different like apples and oranges but we belong to the same origin…
How ignorant could I be?to wake up to days like this, to be questioned, judged and further to see how humanity is losing itself over the ego… I am scared, I want my grandpa to hold my hands and to tell me that I am safe, to tell me that growing up is not a nightmare and could be nice if we treat each other well….
Is there any light at the end of this tunnel? Am I having a bad night? I dont remember signing up for this life…. I was promised to see the beauties and to live a good life helping others, being a decent citizen of this world…. not to be labeled and not to be differently treated. What could have possibly gone wrong that one’s life is more valuable than another?
Dear YOU wake me up from this nightmare and let me taste the morning sweat of a sapling, let me believe in the double rainbows and let me get lost in the jungle of dreams… Let me be the real me, because it has been too long since I last have seen me…..
I have been living thousand lives, I have been experiencing several deaths and births. I have been me and I have pretended to be me! I have tried to please others by sacrificing my own heart yet still one hasn’t realized that it takes a life time to heal over all those bruises of thousand knives…. I have never been the popular kid in the block, never been seen by the ones I ever wanted to be seen by… Still I have always kicked hard and tight to prove myself, to prove my existence to prove that I AM! Being a fighter has always been my pride however I have reached a point after 3 decade of my life that even a fighter sometimes puts down its gear and relaxes under the sun yet still I haven’t found either the time or the place to let go of all my shadows… I have been chased by my own shadows for my entire life… So many times I have fallen over my shadows and been drowned by them yet still I have managed to come back to the eternal life of mine….
I am a sleep talker, with my own shadow…. I once asked myself: What is it like to be a shadow? It is similar to being you, I just get to experience the lower ground… I mainly follow you… I make you look taller when you feel the pride, I stay rather away whenever you don’t see the light but I am always there…. Maybe just in another dimension… You can never reach me and I can never reach you…
And I am still in the search of my shadow…. to only feel the coldness of my own shadow and to let the sun burn away all my dark moments……