an anger driven moment of life


Times in which you make life changing decisions are unforgettable. You think you’ve planned your entire life, everything and every piece is at its place and simply perfect however you are unaware of all the tornadoes and thunders awaiting you round the corner. You look for any tree branch to hold steady but no chance… you had planned your entire life with such an attention to details. Gasp… that was unexpected. Yet not so unreal. in your entire life there has been hurdles one after another and you have never been passing a straight line… in fact it has been worse than the ECG of an arrhythmic  person… 

You conquered and you won the entire time till the latest beastly event… one with the calmest aura… yet the most poisonous and deadly… shhhhh… do not say….shhhh do not see…. do not say… shhhhh….

You felt trapped in the satanic forces of this unnatural nature… yet you struggled to free yourself and the more you forced yourself to get free the more you’ve been sinking in… at some point I stopped fighting and started sinking… left is only a halo of me… an empty mask full of nothingness… fake smiles and fake thoughts covered an empty rotting mind… A new era of me is born…

Trying to rise from the ashes of this self-destructive world… grabbing onto any little opportunity to stand up  for myself… oh how small i have become yet the years say otherwise… The one evil force of nature that broke me into pieces can never resist my roars just before freedom… 

مادربزرگ


تمام کودکی من در دستان زبر ولی‌ پر عشقی‌ بود که بی‌ هیچ دریغی، بی‌ هیچ سوالی‌ دستهای کوچکم را در خود میگرفتند. چقدر سالهای سال شیطنت کردم و تو با صبوری کنارم بودی. آنقدر بودی که نبودت حتی گزینه‌ای نبود. بزرگ شدم و تو آب رفتی‌. قد کشیدم و با ذوق گفتم که من از تو بلندترم، غافل از اینکه تو بزرگ بودی، تو بزرگوار بودی. صبور بودی، بیدریغ عشق دادی و بیدریغ عشق گرفتم… مغرور شدم اما تو خالص ماندی، تو ماندی و من رفتم… دور شدم اما هربار قلبم را با خودت کشاندی. آخرین جمله‌ات تا آخرین روز زندگیم قلبم را ریزریز می‌کند: “رفتی‌؟ شاید بار دگر نبودام…”. و تو نبودی گرچه بودی…. جوان بودم، خام بودم، با هزار آرزو و احساسی‌ که انگار مرگ هم از من میترسد… 

حاضرم سالهای عمرم را کم کنم تا فقط یک بار دیگر من را بغل کنی‌… گم شوم در آغوشی که همیشه بوی محبت بیدریغ میداد. چقدر دلتنگم…. چقدر دورم… چقدر نیستی‌… چقدر دلم آغوش مادربزرگی را میطلبد که دیگر نیست و من هراسان از آینده‌ای بدون او

My fears of life…


Adulthood is painful, realising how we have gone far from our dreams, I’ve always been a realistic person however I have now learned how to detach how to let myself indulge in the secret garden of my thoughts where nobody is allowed but myself. To tiptoe on the wet soil, to smell every little wild flower and to steel a petal from occasional roses. I have lived a life of Mathematical equations, even though I was never good in maths but I learned to adapt. I have learned to close my eyes and to take a deep breath and to see myself in that garden, it did take me some serious effort however once I reached there I knew that this is going to be where I can hide. I can hide from all the monsters following me day and night. My fears were never in the shape of a gigantic man in a black suit, instead they were small green midgets rushing around and making me run for them. My fears somehow grew up with me, they also grew and from being a green midget they went sky high. I portray a rather brave person however inside I am fighting demons all the time. I have my own shadow, my own “bent-neck lady”, my own creepy figure and my own dying monster. I have seen death and I have skipped horror. Yet still I kick for better days, I kid myself occasionally and think of a day free from my fears however I make the next monster as soon as I conquer the last one…. I will rise yet again and I tie my headband… Straighten my back and will again walk proudly because I can… I can and have to overcome the next hurdle… It is in my genes, in my DNA, I am a fighter and I shall never let go of my dreams… the dreams of cool wet soil, under my bare feet, and that field of wild flowers… you may be able to make my image dark but you can never take it away from me because it is MY dream…. I am standing in front of myself and looking at my own feet, baby steps yet steady steps… I can pass this step… No matter how far… I can reach… I can jump….IMG_0769

flashback….


At the sunset, everyday I pray for a moment in which I no longer fear the darkness and I no longer have a raised heartbeat. I have days and nights filled with speedy moments to overcome all the hurdles that life puts upon me and you have been showing me the way, like a firefly. I have not had days of “me” for so long however this is reminding me of those hopeless moments. I never liked the 2014, or 2015/16 however after those nightmarish years I have started to believe in you even more. You are there always looking after me, I just forget that you are there and how much I need you. I am not afraid of any labels, they can say anything, they can do anything as long as you are standing by my side or you are holding me, I am the strongest amongst them all. I remember 2008, September. It was a pretty bad one, I was indecisive and scared. I felt like they were cutting my roots, I was beheaded or something like that… I never thought that after a decade I will be sitting on my sofa, tucked in my blanket and typing away words in English describing those days… I was scared and uncertain… I was young, yes I miss the biological age of mine however  I do not wish for those days to come back… I was terrified, I was supposed to be left all by myself to find myself. It took me over 8 years to figure out what I want in this world however I now have a damn clear mind. I still have a long way to go… A path filled with sudden turns and steep cliffs. I still have to fight twice as much as others to achieve a little part… I still have to prove myself to a lot of people and I yet have to fulfil my childhood dreams. I don’t daydream but I am a dreamer. I dream of the day that there are no fights, no wars, and we all live in a harmony with no label “where do you come from” Cause quite frankly, what does it matter to you or me if we know or don’t know where our genes have come from? Living abroad has made me realise that borders are the most meaningless manmade terms and they have no value to me… We all come from you… the real source…. the ultimate and infinite energy… 

Blabbing


The truth of living in a fast pace society, soaking in prestige and suffocated by science. A place that makes “something” out of nothingness. A bubble… It has now been three years… three rollercoaster years of my life, since I have moved to this bubble. At first I was excited, a new and fresh start. However soon the brutal reality wrapped its hands around my neck and started to put pressure on me. I was shocked to realise how life is different. How all the values are shifted, indeed worse than a fast paced urban lifestyle. In those days that I was turning into a mask rather than myself, at least I knew that normal life is like a river that flows alongside me nevertheless… Here, I was only a label…A code, a number, nothing but a machine to produce specific products and if failed to produce then it would join the “FAILURE” side…Initially I was hoping to join the successors however this self patronising attitude also caught myself. Several of them were the products or byproducts of the past shadows or somehow had an associated ligand. No real unbiased success….

It’s been too long since I last met the real smile… Many days of self doubt and uncountable numbers of pity and regret. Poor choices out of lack of choices… Being bound to a vicious cycle of a malfunctioning trend and hoping for a moment to be able to breathe freely. Not to be scared of judgments and not to be saddened by superficial behaviors of the ones that you once put so much effort in making them smile. Yet they cannot be bothered to simply return the smile… 

I dream of a day that I can be free of this chain of existence and to be a free element… Till then just hold tight to your mask…This rollercoaster of unknown has more to offer…  

Forgiveness


I have been living a life with memories haunting me over the years, believe it or not I can still smell the moments of horror that I lived in. How strange that such memories and moments stick around for so long. Watching a movie, hearing a voice, seeing a picture either can trigger a momentum of realisation and awe….

To see behind the green field of freshly cut lawns and to find nasty pests and fungi that can rot the entire life…. Poisonous moments of rotten memories that are no longer supposed to be there but they choose to surface when you least expect them… You look into a piece of paper and you see the date on which you became YOU… and you sigh… for a life time of tears and doubts… To a life time of fear of reality or the reality that may surface like a corpse on a crystal clear lake…

 

The fear… The smell of fear may stop you from forgiving and you struggle in the battle for forgiving the one who infested your mind with those rotten memories and you wonder… with all of your heart.. whether they deserve the forgiveness or you deserve the freedom of  mind…

To forgive or not to forgive This is THE question…

The tale…Chapter one…episode one….


3E5D5439-F5E8-499C-8ABC-C30CCB61D48A.jpegthe voices of moon-less night were crawling up my skin, I was paralyzed by the idea of the darkness and mysterious path ahead of me. Like scary movie I was rolling into the deep with open eyes and I was not planning to even take one step back, I was scared and shivering yet my fingers were glued around the piece of paper. In the darkness of the night and deaf of my own heavy breathing, I brought the paper in front of my face. The glitters in my eyes made the paper bright and I started to see the letters shaping like monsters….

I lost the fine line between the reality and the nightmarish dream of mine, words were following me as fast as the wind:

SORRY SORRY SORRY those were the words that I could read just before I passed out….

It felt like an eternal moment but I must have pass out only for a minute or two. Cold sweat was kissing every pore in my body and rushing its way towards my backbone… I saw the shadow rising behind me, I was terrified and my fists started trembling… I had to think fast or else I was going to be stuck there forever. I tried to skim through the page I had to find the magic word, the spell:

“Sorry Sorry Sorry, Somehow the miss communication resulted in our words getting lost; however we would like to ask you…”. I was panting and could hardly swallow the saliva in my mouth. I took a deep breath and had a moment of thoughts. I got up and screamed……. To be continued…

Jeopardy in parody


IMG_9803.JPGLong alley and the darkness, panting and loud exhales… There is no spot to hide… sweat palms and a terrified face… The smell in the air reminds of broken dignity and the more time passes the confusion escalates… The truth is that one has nothing to do with any of these yet, one gets lost in the ocean of thoughts…. Running in the bushes, thorns and pebbles… Sweaty palms, frozen tears and salty lips…. I woke up from the dream and yet I could not open my eyes… My eye lids were sewn together, I was scared of the reality and the unknown, I was trying to find a way to open my eyes yet there was no sound coming out of my throat, feeling dazzled I tried to reach out and I felt stone cold walls. My hands fell down and I burst into an empty cry… I was talking but I couldn’t hear myself. There were memories passing by my neurons and making sparkly short cuts… My sweaty palms were sticking to the stone wall and I was building up courage to shut open my eyes… Eye lids tore apart and blood stream stated like spring water flow… Tears, blood and hallucinations… Memories started gazing at me… My throat was dry, I couldn’t cough.. I was trapped, inside me, for 31 years… I was scared and the fear was more painful than the reality… I saw small black dots forming in front of my eyes… I suddenly reached the cliff… waves were rumbling under my sight… I had to face the demons of my own past… I wanted to say one word, one sentence but I was too fearsome… I could not battle my own fear, how could I help others? hiding behind my plastic smile, was a zombie corpse…  with frozen tears… with torn apart eye lids… I had to let go…. I looked at the bottom of the valley… high cliff, wind swirls and I let go… I let go…. I jumped….like a spring and to that point I opened my eyes… sweaty palms… I had lost the thin line between the reality and the dream…. I reached for some water…. my sweaty dream was approaching and I just needed a sip… I looked into the glass of water and saw myself dancing in the water… was that me or the reflection of the belittled me? who knows….. The jeopardy  was yet to come….

sparkle heart…


On a hot summer day, there came the little water droplet, she was excited, felt tickles of coolness around her. she was playing on a fresh green leaf. There were so many morning dews. All of them loud, fearless and happy. The little one was called Sparkle heart. sparkle heart was so glittery, she was cute and she looked sharp. Other dews were jumping around and one by one either jumping into the lake or soil. She wasn’t sure where to go, until some old swamp drops paid attention to her:

-hey little fella who are you?

-Hi! I am Sparkle heart, I am new here, and you are?

-Oh cut that polite crap! we are all water! no difference, stop naming yourself. Come over here, it is more fun! 

-But I am supposed to water the roots…. 

-Nah! there are plenty others, you come join us.

Little dew was scared, she wasn’t sure where to jump… They kept pressing… just jump, we catch you! She closed her little eyes and jumped… midway she heard them laughing that she is gonna fall right on the cow dungs… Sparkle heart open her eyes and screamed, the wind heard her… Coming your way my little one…. hang in there… a gentle blow of the wind and she fell right in the hands of a small leaf… Oh hello there you sparkle heart…. Sparkle heart looked at the leaf with rosy cheeks and she realized that at last she was safe…. 

 

A letter to you…. Meet me tonight…


It’s been a while, since the last time that I had your loving hands stroking my hair… those loving hands, those seasoned hands… I miss your warm hugs, I miss your constant chatters… I miss everything about you and I have been begging to see you like before.

IMG_8882I hate growing up, it sucks! Take me back to my innocent years, take me to the time I was a small child running around, making you play hide and seek with me… I miss you so much… My grandma, you taught me how to spell my name, you showed me as if it is a piece of drawing, you bought me my first ice cream, secretly. You cooked me pasta, like nobody else. Even my mom’s meals were not tasting the same, because you cooked just the way I liked it… The last time that you cooked for me,,,, I never forget, I was vegetarian and you had made me stuffed chicken and had grilled me kebob. I ate them both because I didn’t want you to know that. I felt how tired you are yet I didn’t know it would be the last time we actually see each other. When I was kissing you goodbye you told me: “this is the last time we meet”. Something broke inside me…something detached, detangled and was lost… I felt a part of my heart was dragged into a dark hole and that whirlpool of emotions just blocked my throat… I left…. I followed my dreams, you stayed and counted the days for me…. I see you are still there, waiting for me maybe in our dreams we meet… Every night I wish to see you… to hold you and for you to hole me just like old days and to sing me songs, to tell me stories of the strong little girl. Grandma, mamanjoon, I am 31, but for you I want to be the same 3 year old baby girl, I want your loving hands more than ever… Please hold me and tell me that this world is just a big fat lie and that I am always the little girl who is always happy….

I miss you… please hear me, please fell me and please meet me tonight in our dreams…. I beg you….

Love,

your little grand daughter, Soudabeh