Swamp of lost dreams

When I was a kid, my dream was to become somebody. I was hoping to reach the peak of fame through science. I worked hard, initially to make my mom happy and to become a famous kid but what happened was that I was labeled the nerdy one, the geeky boring kid. I had very few friends and even less close friends. I started to enjoy studying for the sake of it in order to achieve my goals. I became a focused little kid. Entered university with a good score and studied my dream topic. Eventually like many others as a mandatory continuation of studies I ended up abroad. Battling homesickness and cultural shocks, I fulfilled another task and managed to do my doctorate degree. However more and more I was detached from me and I was becoming somebody else. This somebody else was not the happiest. I was mainly left to deal with my griefs. I started a career that I thought would be my dream come true and I then hit the cold block of desperation. Losing my hope and occasionally my faith. I was worried and terrified as I could no longer focus. Nothing got me happy and most was saddening. I saw my dream going into a POOF! done, gone! Life and its hurdles killed the little sapling of hope and desire inside me and I became the empty shell for my physical body. Today, I am sitting here and wondering where in the path I made the wrong turn? To end up in the swamp of my lost dreams? Where did I start to do things out of routine rather than desire? When did I forget to enjoy my work instead finding it a burden? Sometimes I am disgusted by my own smiley face because truth is that inside it is as empty as a balloon. 



my way!

Little joys of life, were once keeping me alive. In the world of all cruelty and negativity. I could be captured by the beauty of a water drop in the morning, roaming on fresh leaves of a rose bush. I could keep my head up by gazing into the sun and I could stay calm and happy for a lifetime. Yet everyday that passes I realize a bitter fact, that regardless of my babyface, regardless of my young spirit I no longer can be really happy inside. When I first realized that I could feel the death coming I was shocked I could not believe myself. I was in tears and I was hopeless. For a moment I was thinking this would be an end and what a boring, lame and pointless end. Yet I look around and tried to look at it from a better point of view, just a little bit further from my own scope. Perhaps more into the fact that this will help me be nicer to the people around me. I can spend more time with them and try to make them happy! Regardless of all of my bruises from several whips of life, I stood up and like always adjusted my happy face mask. That was the way to go and it is the way to go! 

My destiny star

17632438_10155182204284723_906614159082334575_o.jpgI have been living my life at the edge for the eternity, I feel I can remember the day the mother earth was born, that day me, was named the unnamed particle, with all its beauty and nothingness. I was a poof, a dust, I was nothing but I was everything… I was a part of a lost star, a lost hope and I was becoming something. With a strong will I managed to become something, it was better than the nothingness. When I saw myself in the smooth downstream river bank, I was shocked, with trembling molecules I jumped into the riverbank just to become a part of the motion…. millions and millions of years later I was an apple tree somewhere in Europe or Asia? we never named the tectonic plates… the whole thing was a united piece! I was tired, the yearly apple product was too heavy for my shoulder so I lost my conscious  just to open my eyes to my animal life… I was a butterfly, free soul yet was hunted soon after the April showers! I opened my eyes to see that I was a chosen one… I was a beating heart, a human embryo, I was a little fetus, a baby girl! I was born into a hopeful small family, I was supposed to bring all the happiness, fast forward…. I was growing up and had to pave my way through broken pieces… Walking at the edge, I was panicked, this was not what I had planned for! I was a piece of the lost star, hello? anyone? people had stonefaces and I was rushing through the doors to become someone, too fast that I forgot who I was! 

Now sitting after all those running years, I could not remember even one moment of my star life… instead I was fading away in the world of humans, which I had never planned to star for too long…. Hey my destiny star… where are you taking me next?

A letter to the tomorrow-me

Dear Tomorrow-me,

Hello, this is today-me, I would like you to know few things about me. The year which I passed either 2016 or the 1395 ( Persian) was filled with several bitter and sharp pieces of broken glass that hurt me to the bones, I was hurt, bleeding and I at some point lost the light at the end of the tunnel. Dear tomorrow me, I just want you to know one thing, no matter how many times I lost the path, no matter how many times I doubted me, doubted you, I just know that there was always an invisible hand taking me back to the right path. Dear tomorrow-me, we have never met, we will though meet tomorrow, we have a date, at 10:28:40 tomorrow morning, it may not be the way I imagined our first date but I would like you to know that I am happy you are coming. You will take away the darkness, the lost hope and you will replace it with the spring blossoms. Dear tomorrow me, please take this small piece of advice, never look back, stay focused on the path and keep kicking till you reach the end of the darkness, on the right alley there will be a blossom waiting for you, giving you all the good news and will wipe away your tears from yesterday. 

Dear tomorrow-me, I always imagined our first visit to be magical and I am sure we will make it magical despite the fact that it will be in  a far away land, with not even one creature speaking of our language, dear tomorrow, please don’t cry, don’t count yourself lonely because tonight I am thinking about you, please have a smiley face for me.

Dear tomorrow-me, it will be the moment of the new year’s, when we hug our family, our beloved ones but don’t cry, you won’t be hugged or kissed on the forehead by your grandpa or grandma…. You have to be strong because you are one hell of a person.

Dear tomorrow-me, please accept my one and only wish, be strong, smile and remember that no matter far or close your heartbeat is tied with your beloved ones….



the worthelss

You destroy me, with every word, with every step I feel I am being more and more detached from being me… I have lived and have been living a life of a broken arrow, I have felt alone and I have felt loved, yet still you manage to make me feel worthless, I still cannot look into the mirror and feel accomplished, I was told that I am a high achiever yet still I feel fairly under achieved. I feel useless and worthless whenever I see how you ignore me…. I am like a minion and you deal with me like an object,,,, I feel worthless when I see this attitude and I didn’t come here to experiences any of these….

my silence screams…..

Humanity versus inhumanity…

My mother raised me to care for one another… My grandpa passed away trying to teach me: regardless of race, age and sex we are HUMANS and that we are born from the same… Grandpa is gone and mother lives far away so in nights like tonight I sit in the corner of my room, with my knees in my chest and I just want to go back, to being a child, an innocent naive one… The one who thought everyone is the same, we might look different like apples and oranges but we belong to the same origin… 

How ignorant could I be?to wake up to days like this, to be questioned, judged and further to see how humanity is losing itself over the ego… I am scared, I want my grandpa to hold my hands and to tell me that I am safe, to tell me that growing up is not a nightmare and could be nice if we treat each other well…. 

Is there any light at the end of this tunnel? Am I having a bad night? I dont remember signing up for this life…. I was promised to see the beauties and to live a good life helping others, being a decent citizen of this world…. not to be labeled and not to be differently treated. What could have possibly gone wrong that one’s life is more valuable than another?

Dear YOU wake me up from this nightmare and let me taste the morning sweat of a sapling, let me believe in the double rainbows and let me get lost in the jungle of dreams… Let me be the real me, because it has been too long since I last have seen me…..

The resident shadow of mine

I have been living thousand lives, I have been experiencing several deaths and births. I have been me and I have pretended to be me! I have tried to please others by sacrificing my own heart yet still one hasn’t realized that it takes a life time to heal over all those bruises of thousand knives…. I have never been the popular kid in the block, never been seen by the ones I ever wanted to be seen by… Still I have always kicked hard and tight to prove myself, to prove my existence to prove that I AM! Being a fighter has always been my pride however I have reached a point after 3 decade of my life that even a fighter sometimes puts down its gear and relaxes under the sun yet still I haven’t found either the time or the place to let go of all my shadows… I have been chased by my own shadows for my entire life… So many times I have fallen over my shadows and been drowned by them yet still I have managed to come back to the eternal life of mine….

 I am a sleep talker, with my own shadow…. I once asked myself: What is it like to be a shadow? It is similar to being you, I just get to experience the lower ground… I mainly follow you… I make you look taller when you feel the pride, I stay rather away whenever you don’t see the light but I am always there…. Maybe just in another dimension… You can never reach me and I can never reach you…

And I am still in the search of my shadow…. to only feel the coldness of my own shadow and to let the sun burn away all my dark moments…… 

self awareness

I go far, far back in the time, where there was no earth, I remember being an ash, coming out of the beating volcanic heart of the world. Fearless and fearsome, dancing and rolling around, falling onto the damp soil… I started to become a beating heart, the heart of the universe, I was standing tall… with my fists in my pockets, I was nervous, I was uncertain, about myself, about the world, about every movement around myself. I could feel my nails running through my palms, sweaty palms of mine…. I never grew any self-confidence yet still I managed to keep my head up my entire life… I was standing tall, in my light blue jeans, heavy wind shielding jacket and with my wool hat… I looked around nervously and I started to walk, I watched every step of mine because I was always worried about the way I walked, I found my toes ugly! my entire life… ok don’t get distracted, stay focused. So let’s get back to where it all started… the plot involves me sitting nervously at the edge of my chair and thinking how could I possibly be that calm ? I have never been a calm person, I have always been the fire under the ice…. I have always talked too fast, shown too much self confidence while been empty inside… I have always begged god not to let go of my smile… However one day I looked into the mirror and I saw myself from far behind, I have always been that curled up little creature hiding in a corner, while my shoulders have been straight, deep down, far away I have always been holding myself tight to avoid getting hurt by any sudden attack of the passing stars…. I have always been the pillar for everyone yet I have been an ash for myself… I have never been a confident person yet I portray myself as one strong me! So here is a note to myself: dear me, please stay being me… hey little me, don’t be afraid of the world… it all is going to be fine, everyone is as lost as you are,,,, people just learn how to hide all of their fears and cover it with a calm glitter… so can you….


En route to Life!

img_2543Airports are the miniature versions of our lives, people come people go, some people grab your attention so you may keep a visual memory of them and some will not be noticed at all. To me, airports are where I can get inspiration, to be brave enough to let a gigantic iron bird take me around, just like life, we have no control what so ever on any of the movements of an aircraft yet still we happily pay and get onboard! We invest time, wealth and energy in getting on different flights for the aim of reaching destinations, however rather few try to enjoy the actual journey. Maybe only kids enjoy flights. Everything is whimsical to them! I as a child always had one secret wish, if anything ever happens to an aircraft let me, and my family be onboard all together! I never wanted any of them to die and also didnt want to die because it would make my mom sad! I grew up and a while ago I remembered my childhood mentality and just thought how far I had come! I have experienced losing loved ones, I now know that I cannot wish for a family death! But to wish for being strong enough to accept and adapt. 

I like airports, people who are going somewhere are always happy and excited, like little kids and their desire for life! While the returning passengers are rather neutral and mostly NOT looking forward to this journey, just like our lives…. 

I don’t sleep during flights, I want to see, to sense every movement of the aircraft, I have a limited number of hours to be there, therefore I want to use it to the max, however I forget that my life opportunity is also limited, I better learn to enjoy my life on a daily base too. instead of thinking about the past and “IF”s. I find “if” rather toxic! there is no good in any “if” it is soul crusher! trust me! 

And instead of wishing for unknown futures why not enjoying NOW? What has NOW done to us to be that much hateful about it? So next time that you get onboard, at least stay awake for half of the journey and try to enjoy the actual flight rather than the unknown destination… the fluffiness of clouds, sunrise on the sea and sunset behind the mountains, occasional rural villages cross countries… the sounds of exhausted mothers trying to calm their little ones down, the constant snoring of lost in dreamland people… And maybe by sniffing the smell of freshly brewed coffee you’ll see it is me, with my book watching people on the plane! it is an opportunity to start from YOURSELF and reach the word OURSELVES…..


The thoughts…

IMG_9484The truth? I used to believe in the truth until I realized everything is indeed arbitrary in the game of dare or truth of our lives… I have dared many times, I have faced the ugly truth, I have sinned and I have seen the sin… I have never counted myself as an innocence soul yet I have been called an innocent soul several times, I wonder why? Haven’t they seen me sinning my entire life? The sin of daring my own existence? Questioning the truth and wondering till when and where these catastrophic chaos will end? We live in an era that we kill our fellow mankind, to expand to feed the thirst of our ego… Ever stepped out of your warm clothes, with bare legs, bare arms and let the fog take you away in the mysterious moments of a winter night just away from the Christmas eve? I did that, I dared, I looked, I searched and I saw… I no longer can be me. once you see you cannot unseen…. I now am a citizen of the Neverland, Where there is no border, no guns, no hatred and no regrets… I will live it, I will taste every bite of this life no matter how you my fellow humankind may roll your eyes… I am born to be a fighter, because from the moment that the fresh air hits a newborns face it teaches the baby to take it and take role in the game of life… Why do we adore superheroes? Because we believe that with supernatural powers we can do anything, be anything and fulfil all of our dreams, yet we forget that everyone of us is that superhero, we are born in the world under, we are created and we will live and die and we will be immortal, we are a part of this life cycle, maybe not always in the form of full physical body but we as such make the entire universe what it is… I, you, even that annoying person who we all wonder WHY they are there? We have to learn, from the cradle to the grave… We live to live….

I might be lost, in my storm of thoughts, I throw up words when I cannot take them any longer however I believe, that I am here for a reason, and so are you… so trust your heart and let the universe carry you…