At the sunset, everyday I pray for a moment in which I no longer fear the darkness and I no longer have a raised heartbeat. I have days and nights filled with speedy moments to overcome all the hurdles that life puts upon me and you have been showing me the way, like a firefly. I have not had days of “me” for so long however this is reminding me of those hopeless moments. I never liked the 2014, or 2015/16 however after those nightmarish years I have started to believe in you even more. You are there always looking after me, I just forget that you are there and how much I need you. I am not afraid of any labels, they can say anything, they can do anything as long as you are standing by my side or you are holding me, I am the strongest amongst them all. I remember 2008, September. It was a pretty bad one, I was indecisive and scared. I felt like they were cutting my roots, I was beheaded or something like that… I never thought that after a decade I will be sitting on my sofa, tucked in my blanket and typing away words in English describing those days… I was scared and uncertain… I was young, yes I miss the biological age of mine however I do not wish for those days to come back… I was terrified, I was supposed to be left all by myself to find myself. It took me over 8 years to figure out what I want in this world however I now have a damn clear mind. I still have a long way to go… A path filled with sudden turns and steep cliffs. I still have to fight twice as much as others to achieve a little part… I still have to prove myself to a lot of people and I yet have to fulfil my childhood dreams. I don’t daydream but I am a dreamer. I dream of the day that there are no fights, no wars, and we all live in a harmony with no label “where do you come from” Cause quite frankly, what does it matter to you or me if we know or don’t know where our genes have come from? Living abroad has made me realise that borders are the most meaningless manmade terms and they have no value to me… We all come from you… the real source…. the ultimate and infinite energy…
The truth of living in a fast pace society, soaking in prestige and suffocated by science. A place that makes “something” out of nothingness. A bubble… It has now been three years… three rollercoaster years of my life, since I have moved to this bubble. At first I was excited, a new and fresh start. However soon the brutal reality wrapped its hands around my neck and started to put pressure on me. I was shocked to realise how life is different. How all the values are shifted, indeed worse than a fast paced urban lifestyle. In those days that I was turning into a mask rather than myself, at least I knew that normal life is like a river that flows alongside me nevertheless… Here, I was only a label…A code, a number, nothing but a machine to produce specific products and if failed to produce then it would join the “FAILURE” side…Initially I was hoping to join the successors however this self patronising attitude also caught myself. Several of them were the products or byproducts of the past shadows or somehow had an associated ligand. No real unbiased success….
It’s been too long since I last met the real smile… Many days of self doubt and uncountable numbers of pity and regret. Poor choices out of lack of choices… Being bound to a vicious cycle of a malfunctioning trend and hoping for a moment to be able to breathe freely. Not to be scared of judgments and not to be saddened by superficial behaviors of the ones that you once put so much effort in making them smile. Yet they cannot be bothered to simply return the smile…
I dream of a day that I can be free of this chain of existence and to be a free element… Till then just hold tight to your mask…This rollercoaster of unknown has more to offer…
I have been living a life with memories haunting me over the years, believe it or not I can still smell the moments of horror that I lived in. How strange that such memories and moments stick around for so long. Watching a movie, hearing a voice, seeing a picture either can trigger a momentum of realisation and awe….
To see behind the green field of freshly cut lawns and to find nasty pests and fungi that can rot the entire life…. Poisonous moments of rotten memories that are no longer supposed to be there but they choose to surface when you least expect them… You look into a piece of paper and you see the date on which you became YOU… and you sigh… for a life time of tears and doubts… To a life time of fear of reality or the reality that may surface like a corpse on a crystal clear lake…
The fear… The smell of fear may stop you from forgiving and you struggle in the battle for forgiving the one who infested your mind with those rotten memories and you wonder… with all of your heart.. whether they deserve the forgiveness or you deserve the freedom of mind…
To forgive or not to forgive This is THE question…
the voices of moon-less night were crawling up my skin, I was paralyzed by the idea of the darkness and mysterious path ahead of me. Like scary movie I was rolling into the deep with open eyes and I was not planning to even take one step back, I was scared and shivering yet my fingers were glued around the piece of paper. In the darkness of the night and deaf of my own heavy breathing, I brought the paper in front of my face. The glitters in my eyes made the paper bright and I started to see the letters shaping like monsters….
I lost the fine line between the reality and the nightmarish dream of mine, words were following me as fast as the wind:
SORRY SORRY SORRY those were the words that I could read just before I passed out….
It felt like an eternal moment but I must have pass out only for a minute or two. Cold sweat was kissing every pore in my body and rushing its way towards my backbone… I saw the shadow rising behind me, I was terrified and my fists started trembling… I had to think fast or else I was going to be stuck there forever. I tried to skim through the page I had to find the magic word, the spell:
“Sorry Sorry Sorry, Somehow the miss communication resulted in our words getting lost; however we would like to ask you…”. I was panting and could hardly swallow the saliva in my mouth. I took a deep breath and had a moment of thoughts. I got up and screamed……. To be continued…
Long alley and the darkness, panting and loud exhales… There is no spot to hide… sweat palms and a terrified face… The smell in the air reminds of broken dignity and the more time passes the confusion escalates… The truth is that one has nothing to do with any of these yet, one gets lost in the ocean of thoughts…. Running in the bushes, thorns and pebbles… Sweaty palms, frozen tears and salty lips…. I woke up from the dream and yet I could not open my eyes… My eye lids were sewn together, I was scared of the reality and the unknown, I was trying to find a way to open my eyes yet there was no sound coming out of my throat, feeling dazzled I tried to reach out and I felt stone cold walls. My hands fell down and I burst into an empty cry… I was talking but I couldn’t hear myself. There were memories passing by my neurons and making sparkly short cuts… My sweaty palms were sticking to the stone wall and I was building up courage to shut open my eyes… Eye lids tore apart and blood stream stated like spring water flow… Tears, blood and hallucinations… Memories started gazing at me… My throat was dry, I couldn’t cough.. I was trapped, inside me, for 31 years… I was scared and the fear was more painful than the reality… I saw small black dots forming in front of my eyes… I suddenly reached the cliff… waves were rumbling under my sight… I had to face the demons of my own past… I wanted to say one word, one sentence but I was too fearsome… I could not battle my own fear, how could I help others? hiding behind my plastic smile, was a zombie corpse… with frozen tears… with torn apart eye lids… I had to let go…. I looked at the bottom of the valley… high cliff, wind swirls and I let go… I let go…. I jumped….like a spring and to that point I opened my eyes… sweaty palms… I had lost the thin line between the reality and the dream…. I reached for some water…. my sweaty dream was approaching and I just needed a sip… I looked into the glass of water and saw myself dancing in the water… was that me or the reflection of the belittled me? who knows….. The jeopardy was yet to come….
On a hot summer day, there came the little water droplet, she was excited, felt tickles of coolness around her. she was playing on a fresh green leaf. There were so many morning dews. All of them loud, fearless and happy. The little one was called Sparkle heart. sparkle heart was so glittery, she was cute and she looked sharp. Other dews were jumping around and one by one either jumping into the lake or soil. She wasn’t sure where to go, until some old swamp drops paid attention to her:
-hey little fella who are you?
-Hi! I am Sparkle heart, I am new here, and you are?
-Oh cut that polite crap! we are all water! no difference, stop naming yourself. Come over here, it is more fun!
-But I am supposed to water the roots….
-Nah! there are plenty others, you come join us.
Little dew was scared, she wasn’t sure where to jump… They kept pressing… just jump, we catch you! She closed her little eyes and jumped… midway she heard them laughing that she is gonna fall right on the cow dungs… Sparkle heart open her eyes and screamed, the wind heard her… Coming your way my little one…. hang in there… a gentle blow of the wind and she fell right in the hands of a small leaf… Oh hello there you sparkle heart…. Sparkle heart looked at the leaf with rosy cheeks and she realized that at last she was safe….
It’s been a while, since the last time that I had your loving hands stroking my hair… those loving hands, those seasoned hands… I miss your warm hugs, I miss your constant chatters… I miss everything about you and I have been begging to see you like before.
I hate growing up, it sucks! Take me back to my innocent years, take me to the time I was a small child running around, making you play hide and seek with me… I miss you so much… My grandma, you taught me how to spell my name, you showed me as if it is a piece of drawing, you bought me my first ice cream, secretly. You cooked me pasta, like nobody else. Even my mom’s meals were not tasting the same, because you cooked just the way I liked it… The last time that you cooked for me,,,, I never forget, I was vegetarian and you had made me stuffed chicken and had grilled me kebob. I ate them both because I didn’t want you to know that. I felt how tired you are yet I didn’t know it would be the last time we actually see each other. When I was kissing you goodbye you told me: “this is the last time we meet”. Something broke inside me…something detached, detangled and was lost… I felt a part of my heart was dragged into a dark hole and that whirlpool of emotions just blocked my throat… I left…. I followed my dreams, you stayed and counted the days for me…. I see you are still there, waiting for me maybe in our dreams we meet… Every night I wish to see you… to hold you and for you to hole me just like old days and to sing me songs, to tell me stories of the strong little girl. Grandma, mamanjoon, I am 31, but for you I want to be the same 3 year old baby girl, I want your loving hands more than ever… Please hold me and tell me that this world is just a big fat lie and that I am always the little girl who is always happy….
I miss you… please hear me, please fell me and please meet me tonight in our dreams…. I beg you….
your little grand daughter, Soudabeh
When I was a kid, my dream was to become somebody. I was hoping to reach the peak of fame through science. I worked hard, initially to make my mom happy and to become a famous kid but what happened was that I was labeled the nerdy one, the geeky boring kid. I had very few friends and even less close friends. I started to enjoy studying for the sake of it in order to achieve my goals. I became a focused little kid. Entered university with a good score and studied my dream topic. Eventually like many others as a mandatory continuation of studies I ended up abroad. Battling homesickness and cultural shocks, I fulfilled another task and managed to do my doctorate degree. However more and more I was detached from me and I was becoming somebody else. This somebody else was not the happiest. I was mainly left to deal with my griefs. I started a career that I thought would be my dream come true and I then hit the cold block of desperation. Losing my hope and occasionally my faith. I was worried and terrified as I could no longer focus. Nothing got me happy and most was saddening. I saw my dream going into a POOF! done, gone! Life and its hurdles killed the little sapling of hope and desire inside me and I became the empty shell for my physical body. Today, I am sitting here and wondering where in the path I made the wrong turn? To end up in the swamp of my lost dreams? Where did I start to do things out of routine rather than desire? When did I forget to enjoy my work instead finding it a burden? Sometimes I am disgusted by my own smiley face because truth is that inside it is as empty as a balloon.
Little joys of life, were once keeping me alive. In the world of all cruelty and negativity. I could be captured by the beauty of a water drop in the morning, roaming on fresh leaves of a rose bush. I could keep my head up by gazing into the sun and I could stay calm and happy for a lifetime. Yet everyday that passes I realize a bitter fact, that regardless of my babyface, regardless of my young spirit I no longer can be really happy inside. When I first realized that I could feel the death coming I was shocked I could not believe myself. I was in tears and I was hopeless. For a moment I was thinking this would be an end and what a boring, lame and pointless end. Yet I look around and tried to look at it from a better point of view, just a little bit further from my own scope. Perhaps more into the fact that this will help me be nicer to the people around me. I can spend more time with them and try to make them happy! Regardless of all of my bruises from several whips of life, I stood up and like always adjusted my happy face mask. That was the way to go and it is the way to go!
I have been living my life at the edge for the eternity, I feel I can remember the day the mother earth was born, that day me, was named the unnamed particle, with all its beauty and nothingness. I was a poof, a dust, I was nothing but I was everything… I was a part of a lost star, a lost hope and I was becoming something. With a strong will I managed to become something, it was better than the nothingness. When I saw myself in the smooth downstream river bank, I was shocked, with trembling molecules I jumped into the riverbank just to become a part of the motion…. millions and millions of years later I was an apple tree somewhere in Europe or Asia? we never named the tectonic plates… the whole thing was a united piece! I was tired, the yearly apple product was too heavy for my shoulder so I lost my conscious just to open my eyes to my animal life… I was a butterfly, free soul yet was hunted soon after the April showers! I opened my eyes to see that I was a chosen one… I was a beating heart, a human embryo, I was a little fetus, a baby girl! I was born into a hopeful small family, I was supposed to bring all the happiness, fast forward…. I was growing up and had to pave my way through broken pieces… Walking at the edge, I was panicked, this was not what I had planned for! I was a piece of the lost star, hello? anyone? people had stonefaces and I was rushing through the doors to become someone, too fast that I forgot who I was!
Now sitting after all those running years, I could not remember even one moment of my star life… instead I was fading away in the world of humans, which I had never planned to star for too long…. Hey my destiny star… where are you taking me next?