tangled words….


I believe in the sequential events, I believe in action and reaction. I believe in the star dusts meeting again somewhere in the infinity, I believe in the power of hearts, I believe in the fact that my heart will never lie to me, even if my hands are typing yet my heart is running, rushing through the fields freely… I believe in somewhere where I can rest my head on the green wild  grass, a cool breeze, with my hair flying around and dancing in the wind… With the thought of you warming up my heart, my soul and to think that nothing is impossible when you set your heart on it… to feel lost, to feel completely lost in the moment, to need no navigations and to enjoy the world of tomorrow… to be me to be myself and to be able to look into the mirror and to recognize who I am…

To say hi to me again… To open up my heart to the world and the beauties of this life… to see myself and say: Hi! I am glad that you are back!

 

The birdie


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It was one of those days that the little bird was thinking about taking off for an adventure, it was in the middle of fog and mist, with a hint of cold breeze that she spread her wings and started flying. She was scared her heartbeat was even faster than usual. She wanted to go far, she was flying with closed eyes and finally she decided to open her eyes…. She was looking down, the entire valley was covered in the morning mist. Further up thick layers of clouds were making it impossible to see the sun… She then took a turn just before the old willow tree and took a deep breath, from now on she could fly with closed eyes, she knew the little field of sun flowers, she has been flying above it for so many years…. And then when she though everything is in peace and harmony… She looked right and there was that place… Where she had seen the scarecrow first… Despite the fact that the scarecrow was no longer there, she tried to look for it, the field was covered in the mist yet still She could estimate where to land…. She sat on a sunflower face and started to cry…. with every droplet the sunflower shivered, finally… Hey! You never gonna let go of it? She whipped up a tear drop and the sunflower tried to comfort the little birdie…. You know when one goes, there is no return?

However, all of a sudden the entire field became bright, the sun was out of the clouds and the field of sunflower started to worship the sun just like the usual…. The little birdie looked around and saw the scarecrow…. HI! The little bird was almost out of words, with teary eyes, she looked up, hello? How are you?! As if nothing had ever happened? she was hurt, inside, why was the scarecrow acting if nothing had ever happened? She was panicked, but now she was ANGRY, FURIOUS just thinking that all the sadness was not worth it. However, the scarecrow was there, with open arms and then the little birdie looked down the sunflower was impatiently waiting for her to go back and talk to him…

The little birdie, looked around realized that the scarecrow had already ruined everything and what was he waiting for? That the birdie would be waiting with her wings on the soil? She had changed, she was the strong little birdie which had chosen a different life, so she flew around the scarecrow, and wished him a good life and watched it disappear in the mist while she flew back and landed on the sunflower, it was then when she realized that the world hadn’t changed but it was her, the birdie which had changed…. For the better…. 

little post to myself


The truth, what is the truth and what is classified as the truth. There is no truth beyond the fact that we are lost citizens of a fading nation. Humankind at its glory regardless of all the fight and disorganized haphazard happening around us. I once found a little flower buddying and piercing through the cement sidewalk in front of my glorious science factory… I took my time to sit and observe unlike the others who not only passed but also kicked the little flower… I once had a dream a big one …. the dream of becoming an important me i once wanted to reach the ultimate steps of fame
I once wanted to be someone else’s life story but then I stopped and stepped back to see it was not me … to find me I have conquered my deepest fear, paved the worst paths and gotten to the realization that the world won’t be the same if I as the smallest influence wasn’t there… I started living the moment that I looked into the minor and could smile back at ME

Bob the scarecrow


Standing in a field of unknown, the scarecrow was dancing in the wind, no matter how dry, no matter how ugly, no matter how static it was… Scarecrow was happy to be there, to be able to watch the sun rise every morning, to feel the morning droplets of cool water, to see the mist vanishing from the field, to watch the sun disappear behind the mountains of the far away land. Scarecrow was a happy soulless creature, scarecrow had a stitched smile, showing rather exaggerated fake teeth, scarecrow was waiting and looking in the infinity for the day that it could run in the field freely. It once secretly told the blue sky about its dream, sky laughed and continued playing with the passing clouds. The night sky was kinder, it shed some more of the moon light on the scarecrow and asked what was it deepest dream? Scarecrow barely moved one hay fiber and said: “to hold hands with the sun”… And that was the time when both the moon and the night sky realized that the scarecrow was in love! It was in love with the idea of the sun, the warmth and the shine…. magical and sensational. Poor scarecrow did not know that touching even a ray of the sun would burn him to bits…. It was standing, with the exaggerated teeth, exaggerated smile, rather looking crude and cruel but who could be harsh towards a static gypsy looking scarecrow in a field of golden dandelions? Scarecrow was so determined to reach the sun. It was just around the harvest time, the field was ripened and vibrant from dawn to dusk… Scarecrow had spoken with the wind and asked for his help… Scarecrow wanted to catch the sun just before the sunset and wind had promised to take it to the sun… only under one condition to get the smile… because wind and the sky had a deal to take the smile away. It was the day….

Nervous scarecrow was so ready, with rather trembling emotions, let the wind take it away and beforehand let go of the smile… The big stitches of teeth showing smile started dancing in the wind and scarecrow was in the hands of the wind, glass eyes focused on the red sunset sun rays, scarecrow tried to wave for the sun… yet all went dark in a matter of minutes… Wind had let go of the scarecrow and had taken away its stitched smile…

Scarecrow terrified and horrified, no smile, and broken glass eyes… somewhere in the valley of no man land…. Lost…. 

Next morning the sun did not rise…. the full eclipse was exciting yet the scarecrow with the broken glass eyes was staring at the sky trying to find out where the sun was… Wind was playing around with occasional clouds, farmer John was making a new scarecrow because the tornado had taken away the old Bob the scarecrow!, life was as usual, kids running and screaming excitedly to watch the solar eclipse…. Poor scarecrow never knew it had a name ! Sun was too sad that let the moon cover its face for hours, yet life continued…. better to start shining again…. Poor lost Bob the scarecrow…. Lost for a dream….

The life of me…


In my 3 decades of life I have experienced different moments, a variety of nations and people. I have laughed, cried and argued with many… Every moment has made me who I am now… An individual with a mind set of I CAN BUILD MY OWN LIFE… Yet many tried to destroy me, many hurt me subconsciously, many tried to hurt me on purpose, yet noboday has taken my true self from me… Two years ago, I was a land of dreams, filled with glimpses of joy and hope. Thinking that life could not get any better… Yet I was unaware that in few days time one was planning on destroying my entire me… I was burned to ashes, yet I managed to rise from my own ashes… Two years of confusion and heartbreak resulted in a mask in the mirror…. I struggled so much to stand on my feet again and I failed so many times… Till the miracle of joy… A moment of eyes locking onto each other… I took a deep breath and decided to be brave one more time and embrace the miracle of life… You walked into my life… You made my life trun from another angle…. You thought me to care for 2 rather than 1…

I was no longer a solo soul… I could share my tearful eyes with someone who would care for me for infinity….

 

Yet I am walking in a foggy land… with the fear of the unknowns I dived into the land of mysterious moments….

 

 

 

 

me.


IMG_0004I fear growing up, all the time, I fear the moment that the small glimpse of sun may no longer cheer me up. I fear to lose my SMILE. I fear that I might have grown up already because I am surrounded by the beloved ones yet I feel no real happiness. I fear of the day that I would no longer be able not to show my sadness, constant confusion of my mind like a small fish always swimming upstream to reach the top of the waterfall just to let the flow take her down fast one more time. for that moment of sudden drop and the adrenaline rush. For that one moment I swim hard and steady. I reach the top just to fall one more time…. I fear, I am a fearsome person, I most fear of myself. Because I am the most unknown to myself…. The most unpredictable one around myself… I feel tired of not feeling the true happiness yet I continue to smile like a red flower continuing to glow even after being picked… The last glow after a final drop….

Dear human fellow


Humans the mysteries of this universe, endless pride and ego, yet weaker than a small natural disaster. Hatred and love, conditional relations and fake behaviors, all together mixed with some jealousy and prejudice I present to you the modern human. The seed of war and lust.. the outcome of irregularity in a constipated social anxiety! This is the modern human and I am one example of the 700 million others… Living on a tiny planet made of dirt and water and air. We see no further than the tip of our nose yet we exaggerate to be moving the icebergs while we are unable to even see the tip of the iceberg. Hello dear human fellow, the child of war and lust, filled with melancholy of finding the utopia through killing each other under the name of making this planet a better place to live. Yet we have failed to live a day in utter peace. Dear human fellow, who might have stumbled upon my page, this is the diary of an ultimate sleep-walker, a lost soul forever and a passenger of unknown lands. I posses no nationality, no name and no right for myself, I call no land my home, yet I want to live in harmony with you others and with the rest of the universe. Dear human fellow, please open your eyes and see what we are doing to ourselves, let go of this self harm, let go of the melancholy, this has led us to nowhere know here! I believed in the universal soul and now I have started to doubt myself, I believed in the ultimate love and its power against all odds yet I have been slapped by my human fellows so many times that I am no longer in pain, I am numb! I am no longer me, dear human fellow, read these lines and try to put down all those swords of harsh words and dogmatism. This world be far much more of a wonderful place if we stop the war and hold hands to keep ourselves happy, safe and respected. Dear human fellow, I have been so tired of the ME and YOU words… why not for once we make it US? There are no borders, no boundaries, no races, no faces once you look at the planet earth from far enough, so instead of looking at the tip of your own nose, making unnecessary prejudgment, jumping into conclusions, hurting each other with bitter words, for once, look from the outer space, and see that we are all sharing the same big aim… living and happiness… 

The crack beneath the smile….


Hello… How are you doing? She asked with the tears drizzling in her eyes…. She threw a smile into the field and replied: I am fine , dancing whimsically along the sun rays… she was dancing, blinking non stop and whispering : I am fine… I am fine as always… as never… as yesterday as today and as tomorrow… She was running in the field, for days, nights she had no idea… she was lost, walking around, trying to find a key, a clue… she found the glass wall, knocking at it with both feasts , hello? can anybody hear me? hello? no answer! people were walking, talking, living behind the glass just like every other day and she was lost… she was in another dimension, further down from this world…. She was broken into pieces, she was gone…. forever… for good… Tears…. bleeding heart… she is not fixable…. she is gone… yet she still smiles…. 30 years of smile…. nobody ever doubted the crack beneath the smile…. 

یاد داشت‌های بریده بریده بخش اول


شکستن

به تو که عزیزترینم بودی و هستی‌. این بار حتی نمیتوانم نامت را بنویسم چون برایم مقدّس هستی‌، این بار حتی دلم نمیخواهد اخم کنم چون تو بهترینم هستی‌ اما عزیزترینم، بهترینم من را شکستی، اینقدر خرد شدم که هنوز وقتی‌ راه میروم صدای شیشه خرده‌ها را زیر پاهایم احساس می‌کنم، هنوز بی‌ حس هستم، نمیدانم یک حس بد است، حس له‌ شدگی، خمودگی و بی‌ مقدار شدن… دلم نمی‌آید تو را ناراحت کنم اما وقتی‌ می‌گویم من خوب هستم تو باور نکن! ما همه خوبیم! خیلی‌ خوب. ما خوب هستیم چون آن‌ طوری که بقیه میخواهند زندگی‌ می‌کنیم، ما خوب هستیم چون باید خوب باشیم.

برایم مقدّس هستی‌، بودی و خواهی‌ بود، شکی نیست اما‌ای تمام هستی‌ من از تو، چطور من را له‌ کردی؟ کلمات را درست پیدا نمیکنم اما خیلی‌ زود من را قضاوت کردی، هرگز فراموش نمیکنم غنچه‌ای را که پر پر کردی و به من گفتی‌ که این یعنی‌ تو! از آن‌ گلهای رز بیزار شدم باور نمیکنی‌… له‌ شدم… باور نمیکنی‌… 

خیلی‌ تنهایم کردی، تنهای تنها، بین این همه آدم، من در عدم هستم… اما چاره‌ای نیست…. تو لبخند بزن دخترک…. تو را شاد کردم چون می‌خواستی من شاد باشم و تصمیم اشتباه نگیرم غافل از اینکه من دیگر خودم نیستم….

untitled !


There is never a way to mend a broken piece of glass… unless you melt it down and reshape it yet that will not give the same result… It is that one moment before smashing the glass that one has to rethink about the consequences… It is worse when it is someone’s heart… breaking a heart leaves a scar forever… never healing… EVER…