The resident shadow of mine


I have been living thousand lives, I have been experiencing several deaths and births. I have been me and I have pretended to be me! I have tried to please others by sacrificing my own heart yet still one hasn’t realized that it takes a life time to heal over all those bruises of thousand knives…. I have never been the popular kid in the block, never been seen by the ones I ever wanted to be seen by… Still I have always kicked hard and tight to prove myself, to prove my existence to prove that I AM! Being a fighter has always been my pride however I have reached a point after 3 decade of my life that even a fighter sometimes puts down its gear and relaxes under the sun yet still I haven’t found either the time or the place to let go of all my shadows… I have been chased by my own shadows for my entire life… So many times I have fallen over my shadows and been drowned by them yet still I have managed to come back to the eternal life of mine….

 I am a sleep talker, with my own shadow…. I once asked myself: What is it like to be a shadow? It is similar to being you, I just get to experience the lower ground… I mainly follow you… I make you look taller when you feel the pride, I stay rather away whenever you don’t see the light but I am always there…. Maybe just in another dimension… You can never reach me and I can never reach you…

And I am still in the search of my shadow…. to only feel the coldness of my own shadow and to let the sun burn away all my dark moments…… 

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self awareness


I go far, far back in the time, where there was no earth, I remember being an ash, coming out of the beating volcanic heart of the world. Fearless and fearsome, dancing and rolling around, falling onto the damp soil… I started to become a beating heart, the heart of the universe, I was standing tall… with my fists in my pockets, I was nervous, I was uncertain, about myself, about the world, about every movement around myself. I could feel my nails running through my palms, sweaty palms of mine…. I never grew any self-confidence yet still I managed to keep my head up my entire life… I was standing tall, in my light blue jeans, heavy wind shielding jacket and with my wool hat… I looked around nervously and I started to walk, I watched every step of mine because I was always worried about the way I walked, I found my toes ugly! my entire life… ok don’t get distracted, stay focused. So let’s get back to where it all started… the plot involves me sitting nervously at the edge of my chair and thinking how could I possibly be that calm ? I have never been a calm person, I have always been the fire under the ice…. I have always talked too fast, shown too much self confidence while been empty inside… I have always begged god not to let go of my smile… However one day I looked into the mirror and I saw myself from far behind, I have always been that curled up little creature hiding in a corner, while my shoulders have been straight, deep down, far away I have always been holding myself tight to avoid getting hurt by any sudden attack of the passing stars…. I have always been the pillar for everyone yet I have been an ash for myself… I have never been a confident person yet I portray myself as one strong me! So here is a note to myself: dear me, please stay being me… hey little me, don’t be afraid of the world… it all is going to be fine, everyone is as lost as you are,,,, people just learn how to hide all of their fears and cover it with a calm glitter… so can you….

 

En route to Life!


img_2543Airports are the miniature versions of our lives, people come people go, some people grab your attention so you may keep a visual memory of them and some will not be noticed at all. To me, airports are where I can get inspiration, to be brave enough to let a gigantic iron bird take me around, just like life, we have no control what so ever on any of the movements of an aircraft yet still we happily pay and get onboard! We invest time, wealth and energy in getting on different flights for the aim of reaching destinations, however rather few try to enjoy the actual journey. Maybe only kids enjoy flights. Everything is whimsical to them! I as a child always had one secret wish, if anything ever happens to an aircraft let me, and my family be onboard all together! I never wanted any of them to die and also didnt want to die because it would make my mom sad! I grew up and a while ago I remembered my childhood mentality and just thought how far I had come! I have experienced losing loved ones, I now know that I cannot wish for a family death! But to wish for being strong enough to accept and adapt. 

I like airports, people who are going somewhere are always happy and excited, like little kids and their desire for life! While the returning passengers are rather neutral and mostly NOT looking forward to this journey, just like our lives…. 

I don’t sleep during flights, I want to see, to sense every movement of the aircraft, I have a limited number of hours to be there, therefore I want to use it to the max, however I forget that my life opportunity is also limited, I better learn to enjoy my life on a daily base too. instead of thinking about the past and “IF”s. I find “if” rather toxic! there is no good in any “if” it is soul crusher! trust me! 

And instead of wishing for unknown futures why not enjoying NOW? What has NOW done to us to be that much hateful about it? So next time that you get onboard, at least stay awake for half of the journey and try to enjoy the actual flight rather than the unknown destination… the fluffiness of clouds, sunrise on the sea and sunset behind the mountains, occasional rural villages cross countries… the sounds of exhausted mothers trying to calm their little ones down, the constant snoring of lost in dreamland people… And maybe by sniffing the smell of freshly brewed coffee you’ll see it is me, with my book watching people on the plane! it is an opportunity to start from YOURSELF and reach the word OURSELVES…..

 

The thoughts…


IMG_9484The truth? I used to believe in the truth until I realized everything is indeed arbitrary in the game of dare or truth of our lives… I have dared many times, I have faced the ugly truth, I have sinned and I have seen the sin… I have never counted myself as an innocence soul yet I have been called an innocent soul several times, I wonder why? Haven’t they seen me sinning my entire life? The sin of daring my own existence? Questioning the truth and wondering till when and where these catastrophic chaos will end? We live in an era that we kill our fellow mankind, to expand to feed the thirst of our ego… Ever stepped out of your warm clothes, with bare legs, bare arms and let the fog take you away in the mysterious moments of a winter night just away from the Christmas eve? I did that, I dared, I looked, I searched and I saw… I no longer can be me. once you see you cannot unseen…. I now am a citizen of the Neverland, Where there is no border, no guns, no hatred and no regrets… I will live it, I will taste every bite of this life no matter how you my fellow humankind may roll your eyes… I am born to be a fighter, because from the moment that the fresh air hits a newborns face it teaches the baby to take it and take role in the game of life… Why do we adore superheroes? Because we believe that with supernatural powers we can do anything, be anything and fulfil all of our dreams, yet we forget that everyone of us is that superhero, we are born in the world under, we are created and we will live and die and we will be immortal, we are a part of this life cycle, maybe not always in the form of full physical body but we as such make the entire universe what it is… I, you, even that annoying person who we all wonder WHY they are there? We have to learn, from the cradle to the grave… We live to live….

I might be lost, in my storm of thoughts, I throw up words when I cannot take them any longer however I believe, that I am here for a reason, and so are you… so trust your heart and let the universe carry you…

tangled words….


I believe in the sequential events, I believe in action and reaction. I believe in the star dusts meeting again somewhere in the infinity, I believe in the power of hearts, I believe in the fact that my heart will never lie to me, even if my hands are typing yet my heart is running, rushing through the fields freely… I believe in somewhere where I can rest my head on the green wild  grass, a cool breeze, with my hair flying around and dancing in the wind… With the thought of you warming up my heart, my soul and to think that nothing is impossible when you set your heart on it… to feel lost, to feel completely lost in the moment, to need no navigations and to enjoy the world of tomorrow… to be me to be myself and to be able to look into the mirror and to recognize who I am…

To say hi to me again… To open up my heart to the world and the beauties of this life… to see myself and say: Hi! I am glad that you are back!

 

The birdie


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It was one of those days that the little bird was thinking about taking off for an adventure, it was in the middle of fog and mist, with a hint of cold breeze that she spread her wings and started flying. She was scared her heartbeat was even faster than usual. She wanted to go far, she was flying with closed eyes and finally she decided to open her eyes…. She was looking down, the entire valley was covered in the morning mist. Further up thick layers of clouds were making it impossible to see the sun… She then took a turn just before the old willow tree and took a deep breath, from now on she could fly with closed eyes, she knew the little field of sun flowers, she has been flying above it for so many years…. And then when she though everything is in peace and harmony… She looked right and there was that place… Where she had seen the scarecrow first… Despite the fact that the scarecrow was no longer there, she tried to look for it, the field was covered in the mist yet still She could estimate where to land…. She sat on a sunflower face and started to cry…. with every droplet the sunflower shivered, finally… Hey! You never gonna let go of it? She whipped up a tear drop and the sunflower tried to comfort the little birdie…. You know when one goes, there is no return?

However, all of a sudden the entire field became bright, the sun was out of the clouds and the field of sunflower started to worship the sun just like the usual…. The little birdie looked around and saw the scarecrow…. HI! The little bird was almost out of words, with teary eyes, she looked up, hello? How are you?! As if nothing had ever happened? she was hurt, inside, why was the scarecrow acting if nothing had ever happened? She was panicked, but now she was ANGRY, FURIOUS just thinking that all the sadness was not worth it. However, the scarecrow was there, with open arms and then the little birdie looked down the sunflower was impatiently waiting for her to go back and talk to him…

The little birdie, looked around realized that the scarecrow had already ruined everything and what was he waiting for? That the birdie would be waiting with her wings on the soil? She had changed, she was the strong little birdie which had chosen a different life, so she flew around the scarecrow, and wished him a good life and watched it disappear in the mist while she flew back and landed on the sunflower, it was then when she realized that the world hadn’t changed but it was her, the birdie which had changed…. For the better…. 

little post to myself


The truth, what is the truth and what is classified as the truth. There is no truth beyond the fact that we are lost citizens of a fading nation. Humankind at its glory regardless of all the fight and disorganized haphazard happening around us. I once found a little flower buddying and piercing through the cement sidewalk in front of my glorious science factory… I took my time to sit and observe unlike the others who not only passed but also kicked the little flower… I once had a dream a big one …. the dream of becoming an important me i once wanted to reach the ultimate steps of fame
I once wanted to be someone else’s life story but then I stopped and stepped back to see it was not me … to find me I have conquered my deepest fear, paved the worst paths and gotten to the realization that the world won’t be the same if I as the smallest influence wasn’t there… I started living the moment that I looked into the minor and could smile back at ME

Bob the scarecrow


Standing in a field of unknown, the scarecrow was dancing in the wind, no matter how dry, no matter how ugly, no matter how static it was… Scarecrow was happy to be there, to be able to watch the sun rise every morning, to feel the morning droplets of cool water, to see the mist vanishing from the field, to watch the sun disappear behind the mountains of the far away land. Scarecrow was a happy soulless creature, scarecrow had a stitched smile, showing rather exaggerated fake teeth, scarecrow was waiting and looking in the infinity for the day that it could run in the field freely. It once secretly told the blue sky about its dream, sky laughed and continued playing with the passing clouds. The night sky was kinder, it shed some more of the moon light on the scarecrow and asked what was it deepest dream? Scarecrow barely moved one hay fiber and said: “to hold hands with the sun”… And that was the time when both the moon and the night sky realized that the scarecrow was in love! It was in love with the idea of the sun, the warmth and the shine…. magical and sensational. Poor scarecrow did not know that touching even a ray of the sun would burn him to bits…. It was standing, with the exaggerated teeth, exaggerated smile, rather looking crude and cruel but who could be harsh towards a static gypsy looking scarecrow in a field of golden dandelions? Scarecrow was so determined to reach the sun. It was just around the harvest time, the field was ripened and vibrant from dawn to dusk… Scarecrow had spoken with the wind and asked for his help… Scarecrow wanted to catch the sun just before the sunset and wind had promised to take it to the sun… only under one condition to get the smile… because wind and the sky had a deal to take the smile away. It was the day….

Nervous scarecrow was so ready, with rather trembling emotions, let the wind take it away and beforehand let go of the smile… The big stitches of teeth showing smile started dancing in the wind and scarecrow was in the hands of the wind, glass eyes focused on the red sunset sun rays, scarecrow tried to wave for the sun… yet all went dark in a matter of minutes… Wind had let go of the scarecrow and had taken away its stitched smile…

Scarecrow terrified and horrified, no smile, and broken glass eyes… somewhere in the valley of no man land…. Lost…. 

Next morning the sun did not rise…. the full eclipse was exciting yet the scarecrow with the broken glass eyes was staring at the sky trying to find out where the sun was… Wind was playing around with occasional clouds, farmer John was making a new scarecrow because the tornado had taken away the old Bob the scarecrow!, life was as usual, kids running and screaming excitedly to watch the solar eclipse…. Poor scarecrow never knew it had a name ! Sun was too sad that let the moon cover its face for hours, yet life continued…. better to start shining again…. Poor lost Bob the scarecrow…. Lost for a dream….

The life of me…


In my 3 decades of life I have experienced different moments, a variety of nations and people. I have laughed, cried and argued with many… Every moment has made me who I am now… An individual with a mind set of I CAN BUILD MY OWN LIFE… Yet many tried to destroy me, many hurt me subconsciously, many tried to hurt me on purpose, yet noboday has taken my true self from me… Two years ago, I was a land of dreams, filled with glimpses of joy and hope. Thinking that life could not get any better… Yet I was unaware that in few days time one was planning on destroying my entire me… I was burned to ashes, yet I managed to rise from my own ashes… Two years of confusion and heartbreak resulted in a mask in the mirror…. I struggled so much to stand on my feet again and I failed so many times… Till the miracle of joy… A moment of eyes locking onto each other… I took a deep breath and decided to be brave one more time and embrace the miracle of life… You walked into my life… You made my life trun from another angle…. You thought me to care for 2 rather than 1…

I was no longer a solo soul… I could share my tearful eyes with someone who would care for me for infinity….

 

Yet I am walking in a foggy land… with the fear of the unknowns I dived into the land of mysterious moments….

 

 

 

 

me.


IMG_0004I fear growing up, all the time, I fear the moment that the small glimpse of sun may no longer cheer me up. I fear to lose my SMILE. I fear that I might have grown up already because I am surrounded by the beloved ones yet I feel no real happiness. I fear of the day that I would no longer be able not to show my sadness, constant confusion of my mind like a small fish always swimming upstream to reach the top of the waterfall just to let the flow take her down fast one more time. for that moment of sudden drop and the adrenaline rush. For that one moment I swim hard and steady. I reach the top just to fall one more time…. I fear, I am a fearsome person, I most fear of myself. Because I am the most unknown to myself…. The most unpredictable one around myself… I feel tired of not feeling the true happiness yet I continue to smile like a red flower continuing to glow even after being picked… The last glow after a final drop….